This blog starts with a confession: I hate the annual rant-fest of "Remember, the "perfect holidays" of your nostalgia-trip were brought to you by exhausted women!"
Because my own mother did fuck. all. at Christmas (or any other time.) It was my Dad who cycled home from work with a fucking whole fresh Christmas tree tied across his back, and a whole turkey balanced on his handle bars (we couldn't afford a car for most of my childhood, after the one my parents had been gifted when I was a baby got stolen, because my Dad was the sole wage earner, a factory electrician on a wage that fell squarely into the space of "not-terrible-but-not-that-great-either" that is probably very recognisable to many Millennial/Gen Z folk, and we didn't need a car - we could walk or cycle to our local town, there were buses to our nearest city, which had a train service & wider bus provision, my Dad cycled to and from work, my primary school was literally at the end of the road, and my high school provided a bus service from the surrounding villages, the local town had doctors, dentist, veterinary surgery, and a supermarket, the city had shoe shops and clothing shops, basic clothing like underwear and socks could be brought in one of the shops in the local town...A car wasn't essential to our life, and balancing the budget was easier without the costs associated with owning a vehicle.)
It was my father who, after a run of 12hr factory shifts, had to clean the house (while my mother kept dropping the idea of "I'm going to invite some of the neighbours round for a house party", whilst never, in fact, actually doing that), get the decorations up, and cook the entire Christmas dinner while my mother...went to church. For the entirety of Christmas morning. FOUR HOURS of different services...she just stayed for the whole time, while my father had to manage the cooking around the fact that my grandparents had been ensconced in our two-bedroom house since the afternoon of Christmas Eve, when the last bus from their village to ours until the day after Boxing Day ran....for 3 nights, I slept on the sofa,while my grandparents slept in my room (my parents upgraded their bed from a double to a king when I was 6, and I inherited their old double bed...and the old mattress...which I slept on until I was 16, and upgraded my room at my own expense...including buying a new mattress...I realise now that was...not actually okay.) For 3 days, my father was mostly responsible for accommodating my grandfather's anxiety, and my grandmother's disabilities, while my mother either went to church, or sat on the sofa listening to CDs of hymns and carols.
My mother insisted that our fireplace be cleaned "properly", including the brass fender being fully polished - but she would never do it. (My Dad taught me how to use brass polish, and do a good finish...which is still something I find satisfying.)
Our shoes had to be polished and buffed "because Christmas is special"...my mother would never get near a tin of shoe polish. (Again, I learned to boot black...these days, I just spritz furniture polish over shoes if I need them to actually shine...boot blacking is not my role in NSFW communities, lol!) The garden had to be "tidied up" - which involved weeding borders (my job), mowing a pretty large lawn, and trimming bushes.
The window frames and front door needed to be re-varnished "so it looks nice for the neighbours", as well as the windows being cleaned - I'd clean the windows, and was taught the "trick" of using vinegar & lemon juice, and scrubbing with newspaper...I actually do this when I window clean as part of a "full" spring clean (in between times, I just use window spray and a rag...) My Dad was stripping and varnishing the woodwork. In the week before Christmas. Whilst working 12hr factory shifts, and cycling 20mins to and from that job, with a full bag of tools.
Now, in my adult life, I'm mostly responsible for organising "special" events, buying and putting up decorations, etc, because my wife's neurodiversity means it doesn't really occur to her to do anything particular for "occasions", and, when it does, it often causes decision paralysis, where she'll get so fixated on "I have to do something really impactful, but what, of all these things I could do, is the most sensible/effective?" that...nothing actually gets done. I don't resent that, because she's not able to help how her brain handles things, and I actually enjoy organising things for the two of us. (Events in general, I do not enjoy organising, because I've had way too many times of spending a lot of time and money only for no one to show up, or for people to show up, and then backstab and b*tch about me behind the scenes.)
Because my own mother did fuck. all. at Christmas (or any other time.) It was my Dad who cycled home from work with a fucking whole fresh Christmas tree tied across his back, and a whole turkey balanced on his handle bars (we couldn't afford a car for most of my childhood, after the one my parents had been gifted when I was a baby got stolen, because my Dad was the sole wage earner, a factory electrician on a wage that fell squarely into the space of "not-terrible-but-not-that-great-either" that is probably very recognisable to many Millennial/Gen Z folk, and we didn't need a car - we could walk or cycle to our local town, there were buses to our nearest city, which had a train service & wider bus provision, my Dad cycled to and from work, my primary school was literally at the end of the road, and my high school provided a bus service from the surrounding villages, the local town had doctors, dentist, veterinary surgery, and a supermarket, the city had shoe shops and clothing shops, basic clothing like underwear and socks could be brought in one of the shops in the local town...A car wasn't essential to our life, and balancing the budget was easier without the costs associated with owning a vehicle.)
It was my father who, after a run of 12hr factory shifts, had to clean the house (while my mother kept dropping the idea of "I'm going to invite some of the neighbours round for a house party", whilst never, in fact, actually doing that), get the decorations up, and cook the entire Christmas dinner while my mother...went to church. For the entirety of Christmas morning. FOUR HOURS of different services...she just stayed for the whole time, while my father had to manage the cooking around the fact that my grandparents had been ensconced in our two-bedroom house since the afternoon of Christmas Eve, when the last bus from their village to ours until the day after Boxing Day ran....for 3 nights, I slept on the sofa,while my grandparents slept in my room (my parents upgraded their bed from a double to a king when I was 6, and I inherited their old double bed...and the old mattress...which I slept on until I was 16, and upgraded my room at my own expense...including buying a new mattress...I realise now that was...not actually okay.) For 3 days, my father was mostly responsible for accommodating my grandfather's anxiety, and my grandmother's disabilities, while my mother either went to church, or sat on the sofa listening to CDs of hymns and carols.
My mother insisted that our fireplace be cleaned "properly", including the brass fender being fully polished - but she would never do it. (My Dad taught me how to use brass polish, and do a good finish...which is still something I find satisfying.)
Our shoes had to be polished and buffed "because Christmas is special"...my mother would never get near a tin of shoe polish. (Again, I learned to boot black...these days, I just spritz furniture polish over shoes if I need them to actually shine...boot blacking is not my role in NSFW communities, lol!) The garden had to be "tidied up" - which involved weeding borders (my job), mowing a pretty large lawn, and trimming bushes.
The window frames and front door needed to be re-varnished "so it looks nice for the neighbours", as well as the windows being cleaned - I'd clean the windows, and was taught the "trick" of using vinegar & lemon juice, and scrubbing with newspaper...I actually do this when I window clean as part of a "full" spring clean (in between times, I just use window spray and a rag...) My Dad was stripping and varnishing the woodwork. In the week before Christmas. Whilst working 12hr factory shifts, and cycling 20mins to and from that job, with a full bag of tools.
Now, in my adult life, I'm mostly responsible for organising "special" events, buying and putting up decorations, etc, because my wife's neurodiversity means it doesn't really occur to her to do anything particular for "occasions", and, when it does, it often causes decision paralysis, where she'll get so fixated on "I have to do something really impactful, but what, of all these things I could do, is the most sensible/effective?" that...nothing actually gets done. I don't resent that, because she's not able to help how her brain handles things, and I actually enjoy organising things for the two of us. (Events in general, I do not enjoy organising, because I've had way too many times of spending a lot of time and money only for no one to show up, or for people to show up, and then backstab and b*tch about me behind the scenes.)
Since my Dad died? My mother has tried to wheedle me into "coming over for a proper Christmas" (ie, sorting out a "proper Christmas" for her), or inviting herself up to my aunt's when I hold the boundary that I will only engage with my mother in public spaces (emotional & physical abuse on her part, which has resulted in cPTSD, I'm still working through, and my mother being a racist, transphobic individual who literally cannot avoid finding the most ridiculous way to shoehorn "opportunity to be a bigot" into even the most innocuous conversations, and me...not really feeling interested in spending time with people like that...) She has never done anything that would involve her actually doing any level of prep or clear up.
So, in my life, memories have been, and are, made by men. In my life, women are basically passengers that things are done for...by men.
But, I have to get past the resentment I feel because of my life, and accept that, for many women, "events and occasions that create lasting memories for the children" are "stress and exhaustion for those women".
I have to accept that, if so many people are saying that, as women, they are having to do all the work of creating the atmosphere and experience of events and occasions, it may well be at least mostly true.
When men do respond to accusations of non-involvement, the responses I've seen fall into one of three categories: . Men with my own experience, where they are the ones who organise everything.
. Men claiming they're "too tired", that they work full-time, while the women in their lives "only" work part-time (even when there are children in the family, and those women are placed as "default parent", responsible for everything around those children...)
. Men saying they "don't know how to do all that sort of stuff", or "she just does it better".
Let's address those last two claims - that men work full time, so are "too tired" to engage in organising Christmas, or that they "don't know how to do it as well as she (wife/mother/girlfriend) does".
. I work more, so I shouldn't have to/I'm too tired
Okay. If you don't have kids, then there's definitely a conversation to be had about how much additional free time the partner who works fewer hours has to organise things.
That person may still not want to do all the organising - and that's okay. You shouldn't be nickel-and-diming people you claim to care for on "are you doing exactly the same amount of labour for the household as I am?"
Discuss together the type of occasion you want, the budget, and whether you're inviting people from outside your household. Do this at least three months ahead of the day.
Christmas does not have to be an all-out performance. It absolutely can be "Buy pre-decorated artificial tree, which can be wheeled out year after year. Cook a roast dinner, including turkey if that's actually what people want. Buy a pre-made supermarket or bakery cake. Do no more than 2 gifts per person. Only buy for immediate family and close friends." That's minimal effort, which can very easily be divided even when both partners work full time.
The focus of Christmas can be "enjoy having time together, engage in hobbies you don't usually have the time for", rather than "gifts, food, and decorations." If people around you complain about this, and say it "doesn't feel like Christmas"? - tell them if they want a specific experience, they can be involved in creating that experience. And they can pay towards it.
2. "I don't know how to do it as well as she does"
Then learn.
Aged 8, I didn't know how to cook spaghetti bolognese; my Dad had me watch him one time, then the next time help him, then the third time do the whole process while he supervised - then the fourth time? I got dinner sorted so it was on the table the minute he got home from work.
I learned to cook spaghetti bolognese - which has, through the following 31 years, extended into being able to cook a range of meals from scratch, and a good working knowledge of what ingredients will combine well and taste good together.
Also, you don't have to do things to the same standard another person does - if they demand that you do, then they're not coming from a place of actually appreciating you as a person, and they need to work on their attitude, and the negative lessons they may have carried through from situations that are no longer relevant.
If you can buy tools, stuff for your car, stuff centred on your hobbies - you can buy gifts for your family. If you can put up an F1 poster, or hang a rack to store tools in your workshop - you can put up Christmas decorations. If you can run project management at work - you can order the Christmas shop.
However, there is another lens: should men be expected to "organise events and occasions", including Christmas?
Obviously, in my household, that's what I do as a man. It's what my Dad did while I was growing up. Men are completely capable of styling a house, ordering a food shop, buying and wrapping gifts, and writing and posting cards.
But is it reasonable for women who are also capable of doing those things to demand that men do them? Is there a consideration about gender and roles to be had?
I'm a Norse Pagan in terms of my spiritual focus. The Norse were actually very equitable in terms of gender, with women holding a lot of social power, and being well respected in Norse society.
However, there were still norms about what men and women were responsible for; in relation to "sorting out amazing family experiences", those norms included the idea that women represented their household, and, in fact, represented their husbands when those men were absent (usually hunting, going a-viking, or at war).
Decorating for occasions is the ultimate form of "representing the household" - but it does mean that, if women are responsible for arranging events, because they're "responsible for representing the household", then men, as the heads of those households,need to decide how those events should go.
I have previously worked in project management: my role was to decide what the final product should be, and identify the most effective way to deliver it from whatever starting position the team was in, then telling other people what they needed to do to get to that end point. It wasn't "doing all the work of delivering the project" (that was a tough lesson for me to take on board in my first project management role, because my childhood had been "if you want it, you have to make it happen, and no one is going to help you" - letting go of that, and trusting other people to do what they'd been asked, was a real challenge for me, and actually still is, if I'm honest.)
If you as a man are not intending to get involved in the work of organising Christmas (or other events), then your role is to make the executive decisions about what needs to happen for the Christmas you want. You communicate the vision, you provide the resources for the vision (money, preparatory work, identifying places to purchase particular things from), and then you ask others to bring the vision to life.
And women? Taking executive decisions off peoples' plates is relieving them of work. It becomes your responsibility to respond "I don't actually have the time to achieve that if I'm doing all of it myself; here's something along the lines of what you're thinking that I can do" if that's the case - for example: "Do your parents actually expect a gift from us, or can I just send them a card with a gift voucher, because I don't know them very well, really, so it's going to be a lot of work for me to find gifts that would be suitable, plus it's more things I have to wrap, it would probably mean we'd have to find time to go and visit them before Christmas, to get the gifts to them, whereas a gift voucher in a card can just be posted", "I feel it would be better to give the children 2-3 gifts for Christmas day, then make a special day of going out for the post-Christmas sales, because other family will either buy them things, or give them money, and this stops them becoming overstimulated, and also extends the fun family time", "I will either need you to supervise the children getting elements of the housework done, or to come with me, and them, to do the main shop for this event; I am not able to do the shop with the children on my own and then come home and do the housework."
So, in my life, memories have been, and are, made by men. In my life, women are basically passengers that things are done for...by men.
But, I have to get past the resentment I feel because of my life, and accept that, for many women, "events and occasions that create lasting memories for the children" are "stress and exhaustion for those women".
I have to accept that, if so many people are saying that, as women, they are having to do all the work of creating the atmosphere and experience of events and occasions, it may well be at least mostly true.
When men do respond to accusations of non-involvement, the responses I've seen fall into one of three categories: . Men with my own experience, where they are the ones who organise everything.
. Men claiming they're "too tired", that they work full-time, while the women in their lives "only" work part-time (even when there are children in the family, and those women are placed as "default parent", responsible for everything around those children...)
. Men saying they "don't know how to do all that sort of stuff", or "she just does it better".
Let's address those last two claims - that men work full time, so are "too tired" to engage in organising Christmas, or that they "don't know how to do it as well as she (wife/mother/girlfriend) does".
. I work more, so I shouldn't have to/I'm too tired
Okay. If you don't have kids, then there's definitely a conversation to be had about how much additional free time the partner who works fewer hours has to organise things.
That person may still not want to do all the organising - and that's okay. You shouldn't be nickel-and-diming people you claim to care for on "are you doing exactly the same amount of labour for the household as I am?"
Discuss together the type of occasion you want, the budget, and whether you're inviting people from outside your household. Do this at least three months ahead of the day.
Christmas does not have to be an all-out performance. It absolutely can be "Buy pre-decorated artificial tree, which can be wheeled out year after year. Cook a roast dinner, including turkey if that's actually what people want. Buy a pre-made supermarket or bakery cake. Do no more than 2 gifts per person. Only buy for immediate family and close friends." That's minimal effort, which can very easily be divided even when both partners work full time.
The focus of Christmas can be "enjoy having time together, engage in hobbies you don't usually have the time for", rather than "gifts, food, and decorations." If people around you complain about this, and say it "doesn't feel like Christmas"? - tell them if they want a specific experience, they can be involved in creating that experience. And they can pay towards it.
2. "I don't know how to do it as well as she does"
Then learn.
Aged 8, I didn't know how to cook spaghetti bolognese; my Dad had me watch him one time, then the next time help him, then the third time do the whole process while he supervised - then the fourth time? I got dinner sorted so it was on the table the minute he got home from work.
I learned to cook spaghetti bolognese - which has, through the following 31 years, extended into being able to cook a range of meals from scratch, and a good working knowledge of what ingredients will combine well and taste good together.
Also, you don't have to do things to the same standard another person does - if they demand that you do, then they're not coming from a place of actually appreciating you as a person, and they need to work on their attitude, and the negative lessons they may have carried through from situations that are no longer relevant.
If you can buy tools, stuff for your car, stuff centred on your hobbies - you can buy gifts for your family. If you can put up an F1 poster, or hang a rack to store tools in your workshop - you can put up Christmas decorations. If you can run project management at work - you can order the Christmas shop.
However, there is another lens: should men be expected to "organise events and occasions", including Christmas?
Obviously, in my household, that's what I do as a man. It's what my Dad did while I was growing up. Men are completely capable of styling a house, ordering a food shop, buying and wrapping gifts, and writing and posting cards.
But is it reasonable for women who are also capable of doing those things to demand that men do them? Is there a consideration about gender and roles to be had?
I'm a Norse Pagan in terms of my spiritual focus. The Norse were actually very equitable in terms of gender, with women holding a lot of social power, and being well respected in Norse society.
However, there were still norms about what men and women were responsible for; in relation to "sorting out amazing family experiences", those norms included the idea that women represented their household, and, in fact, represented their husbands when those men were absent (usually hunting, going a-viking, or at war).
Decorating for occasions is the ultimate form of "representing the household" - but it does mean that, if women are responsible for arranging events, because they're "responsible for representing the household", then men, as the heads of those households,need to decide how those events should go.
I have previously worked in project management: my role was to decide what the final product should be, and identify the most effective way to deliver it from whatever starting position the team was in, then telling other people what they needed to do to get to that end point. It wasn't "doing all the work of delivering the project" (that was a tough lesson for me to take on board in my first project management role, because my childhood had been "if you want it, you have to make it happen, and no one is going to help you" - letting go of that, and trusting other people to do what they'd been asked, was a real challenge for me, and actually still is, if I'm honest.)
If you as a man are not intending to get involved in the work of organising Christmas (or other events), then your role is to make the executive decisions about what needs to happen for the Christmas you want. You communicate the vision, you provide the resources for the vision (money, preparatory work, identifying places to purchase particular things from), and then you ask others to bring the vision to life.
And women? Taking executive decisions off peoples' plates is relieving them of work. It becomes your responsibility to respond "I don't actually have the time to achieve that if I'm doing all of it myself; here's something along the lines of what you're thinking that I can do" if that's the case - for example: "Do your parents actually expect a gift from us, or can I just send them a card with a gift voucher, because I don't know them very well, really, so it's going to be a lot of work for me to find gifts that would be suitable, plus it's more things I have to wrap, it would probably mean we'd have to find time to go and visit them before Christmas, to get the gifts to them, whereas a gift voucher in a card can just be posted", "I feel it would be better to give the children 2-3 gifts for Christmas day, then make a special day of going out for the post-Christmas sales, because other family will either buy them things, or give them money, and this stops them becoming overstimulated, and also extends the fun family time", "I will either need you to supervise the children getting elements of the housework done, or to come with me, and them, to do the main shop for this event; I am not able to do the shop with the children on my own and then come home and do the housework."
The person organising and resourcing should not also be the person creating.
The person creating should not also be the person providing the executive vision, and arranging the resources. (Some personal circumstances, such as living alone, or disability, may alter that, but in general, it's a good rule.)
What is Christmas About, for You?
The answer to this will determine the vision for your "Christmas as occasion", and, therefore, the amount and type of work that goes into it.
Some options for "what Christmas is about":
. Faith - the main focus will be attending church. Decorations can be limited to candles, a prominently displayed star, and a Nativity scene. The main Christmas meal can be "elevated, but simple." Gifts are symbolic, and therefore each person only needs one gift. Normalise this from the very beginning of your journey with children, and communicate about the reason you only give one gift to each person.
. Family - it may be easier for you to meet family outside your immediate household at a pub/restaurant/hotel before or after Christmas day proper, and focus Christmas Day exclusively on your very immediate family; this removes the stress of people having to travel to several different households, or "find space" for multiple people if they're hosting, it means everyone can have the kind of food they'd prefer, without the host being expected to provide it, and it means you know the cost upfront.
This means decorations can be a Christmas tree, some tinsel and/or garlands, in the rooms you spend the most time in, and your Christmas dinner can be something "special", but simple to prepare, and liked by everyone in your household.
. Extravagant - this may well call for "pulling all the stops out" - but this means you have to discuss this with the people you're assuming will do the majority of the work of "making extravagant happen". If they're not on the same page? You either have to do all or most of the work yourself, or you hire a professional organiser and pay them to do it for you.
The person creating should not also be the person providing the executive vision, and arranging the resources. (Some personal circumstances, such as living alone, or disability, may alter that, but in general, it's a good rule.)
What is Christmas About, for You?
The answer to this will determine the vision for your "Christmas as occasion", and, therefore, the amount and type of work that goes into it.
Some options for "what Christmas is about":
. Faith - the main focus will be attending church. Decorations can be limited to candles, a prominently displayed star, and a Nativity scene. The main Christmas meal can be "elevated, but simple." Gifts are symbolic, and therefore each person only needs one gift. Normalise this from the very beginning of your journey with children, and communicate about the reason you only give one gift to each person.
. Family - it may be easier for you to meet family outside your immediate household at a pub/restaurant/hotel before or after Christmas day proper, and focus Christmas Day exclusively on your very immediate family; this removes the stress of people having to travel to several different households, or "find space" for multiple people if they're hosting, it means everyone can have the kind of food they'd prefer, without the host being expected to provide it, and it means you know the cost upfront.
This means decorations can be a Christmas tree, some tinsel and/or garlands, in the rooms you spend the most time in, and your Christmas dinner can be something "special", but simple to prepare, and liked by everyone in your household.
. Extravagant - this may well call for "pulling all the stops out" - but this means you have to discuss this with the people you're assuming will do the majority of the work of "making extravagant happen". If they're not on the same page? You either have to do all or most of the work yourself, or you hire a professional organiser and pay them to do it for you.
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