It has been somewhat reassuring to see the number of men taking - swiftly - to Instagram to counter Steven Bartlett's (of Diary of a CEO notoriety) position that "society should do something" to "prevent" men who are persuaded into an incel ideology "never being able to pass on their genetic material."
It would be nice if this response from men was actually recognised, and praised - because that is how we educate against misogyny; we speak up in support of the attitudes and behaviour we want to see from boys and men - because adult misogynists (of a range of genders) are very quick to celebrate every single drivelling statement from the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Andrew Tate and Laurence Fox et al. When men actually support women, however? "That's the bare fucking minimum. We don't give trophies for the shit you should already be doing." But you do. It's how we toilet train children. It's how workplaces communicate the subtleties of culture. It's how society passes on the unwritten rules.
It's why we say "thank you" when someone holds a door open. It's why we return gestures like a wave or a smile.
Those are all "the bare minimum" - but we still appreciate them, and we recognise the importance of reminding those around us "this is the behaviour that is desired in this space. This country. This company. This community."
It takes nothing from the realities of the challenges those who are not men face to recognise when men get it right. It is no more "emotional labour" to recognise and praise men who call out other men on toxic bullshit than it is "emotional labour" to smile back at the stranger who smiled at you - which affirms and reinforces kindness, recognition of the existence of others, and openness to shared human experience.
Does it feel exhausting and frustrating to reward what seems "basic"? Sure - but parents likely feel similarly about cheering "Good jobbbbb!" every time their 3yr old succeeds in not shitting their pants. Doctors probably feel similarly about saying "that's a really good change" to the physically able-bodied patient who proudly announces they've "stopped smoking, and started exercising regularly!" Retail workers definitely feel the same about telling the 557th person where to find the very obviously positioned item that customers have had to walk past to bother a shop assistant about "not being able to find."
If you sneer "that's the bare fucking minimum!" at men who are saying "Hey, these 'incels' could just work on their communication skills, their personal hygiene, their fashion sense, and their ability to be good stewards of their money, and other peoples' lives, rather than fixating on their blue balls; women shouldn't be compelled to pity fuck men who want them dead", while other people (not just men, either...) are loudly cheering on men who say that "women should be at the dinner table, not the conference table", or similar, then guess which attitude is going to become most prevalent?
People are not born knowing "how to act right".
Someone taught you.
Even if you "re-educated" yourself from a position of neglect and deprivilege, that was still courtesy of people putting the resources of that education somewhere you could find them; writing a book. Stocking that book in a library. Giving a public presentation. Being a television channel who filmed and broadcast that presentation. Writing an article and submitting it to a magazine. Deciding to publish that article. Being a newsagent who chose to stock that magazine. Writing a blog post. Filming a video. Creating a reel. You did not find your values and knowledge a priori; you absorbed them from people around you who were communicating them, and subtly reinforcing your enaction of them.
I am struggling to learn how to communicate verbally; most of my life, people told me to "stop talking like you think you know everything!", "let other people answer for a change!" "Stop talking - no one's interested". I struggle to even record videos. Therapy was really difficult for me, because I'd been trained to a default of the extent of my talking about myself being reassuring everyone that I was fine - before immediately asking how I could meet their needs. I second-guess myself out of asking for help, promoting my business, or offering products for sale. Because what's still being reinforced is "You're a white man - shut the fuck up. No one's interested!"
And that's part of the problem; "You're a man - shut up!" doesn't impact men like Steven Bartlett. It hits the men who don't have a large Instagram following who want to call him out, but will likely get silence from women, and derision from men who are exactly like Steven Bartlett. And so those men don't say anything - because they have to be part of "the group" in order to survive; 90% of us can't afford to be outsiders in the current economy. And the loudest voices are praising every single inane utterance from men who believe women "owe them" whatever they decide they "need", whilst aggressively deriding men who suggest a more inclusive and co-operative position.
If you genuinely believe in "systemic patriarchal oppression", then you have to accept that you need to praise and reward "the bare minimum" - because believing in systemic patriarchal oppression means accepting that society verbally and actively reinforces oppressive attitudes in boys and men. If no one's countering that active, verbal approval of toxic attitudes by being as active and verbal in their approval of positive positions - even when they're "the bare fucking minimum" - how are those being raised under systemic patriarchy ever going to become confident in behaving differently to the men who raised them, and the men who surrounded and surround them in their formative years?
I was fortunate to be raised by an intelligent, calm, compassionate man who believed in the competence and autonomy of women. I was surrounded by a wide variety of men who genuinely accepted and appreciated women in general, not only the women who made their individual lives directly better. I was fortunate to see male teachers in primary school, to know male nurses as a child (one was a neighbour, the other attended the same church my mother did.) I was fortunate to benefit from the support of male youth workers. I was fortunate to see my uncle immediately correct his sons when they expressed hostility towards my aunt in misogynistic ways.
In fact, many of the women in my life were the ones promoting patriarchal supremacy; I am aware my experience is not the common one, but it is real, and it has shaped the man I have become.
That is:
. A man who fundamentally rejects the idea that women "owe" men relationships; if you, as a man, believe that "if you don't work, you don't eat" - you are obliged to believe that applies to relationships, too. If you don't work at being what women are looking for in a partner, you don't eat at those women's tables. If you don't work at being able to see women as human beings whose value and rights are fully equal, in fact and in priority, to your own, you don't eat from the love and support those women are willing to offer to men who prove themselves worthy of them.
. A man who believes that love = putting the other person's success, comfort, and desires first. Each partner should be doing this for the other - if it ever becomes a one-way street? Love is not in that room, and the relationship has already ended.
. A man who believes women are fundamentally different in their outlook, approach, and focus to men - but that different never means lesser.
You don't have to have biological children (or raise any children) to pass on the essence of yourself:
. Build a business
. Invest in companies which are resourcing a world that enables everyone to thrive
. Create art
. Make music
. Be responsible for the next 'wave' of your country's great literature
. Teach other peoples' children
. Support those who are raising children in direct, immediate ways
. Grow gardens
. Clean your seas, your rivers, your parks, your streets
It would be nice if this response from men was actually recognised, and praised - because that is how we educate against misogyny; we speak up in support of the attitudes and behaviour we want to see from boys and men - because adult misogynists (of a range of genders) are very quick to celebrate every single drivelling statement from the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Andrew Tate and Laurence Fox et al. When men actually support women, however? "That's the bare fucking minimum. We don't give trophies for the shit you should already be doing." But you do. It's how we toilet train children. It's how workplaces communicate the subtleties of culture. It's how society passes on the unwritten rules.
It's why we say "thank you" when someone holds a door open. It's why we return gestures like a wave or a smile.
Those are all "the bare minimum" - but we still appreciate them, and we recognise the importance of reminding those around us "this is the behaviour that is desired in this space. This country. This company. This community."
It takes nothing from the realities of the challenges those who are not men face to recognise when men get it right. It is no more "emotional labour" to recognise and praise men who call out other men on toxic bullshit than it is "emotional labour" to smile back at the stranger who smiled at you - which affirms and reinforces kindness, recognition of the existence of others, and openness to shared human experience.
Does it feel exhausting and frustrating to reward what seems "basic"? Sure - but parents likely feel similarly about cheering "Good jobbbbb!" every time their 3yr old succeeds in not shitting their pants. Doctors probably feel similarly about saying "that's a really good change" to the physically able-bodied patient who proudly announces they've "stopped smoking, and started exercising regularly!" Retail workers definitely feel the same about telling the 557th person where to find the very obviously positioned item that customers have had to walk past to bother a shop assistant about "not being able to find."
If you sneer "that's the bare fucking minimum!" at men who are saying "Hey, these 'incels' could just work on their communication skills, their personal hygiene, their fashion sense, and their ability to be good stewards of their money, and other peoples' lives, rather than fixating on their blue balls; women shouldn't be compelled to pity fuck men who want them dead", while other people (not just men, either...) are loudly cheering on men who say that "women should be at the dinner table, not the conference table", or similar, then guess which attitude is going to become most prevalent?
People are not born knowing "how to act right".
Someone taught you.
Even if you "re-educated" yourself from a position of neglect and deprivilege, that was still courtesy of people putting the resources of that education somewhere you could find them; writing a book. Stocking that book in a library. Giving a public presentation. Being a television channel who filmed and broadcast that presentation. Writing an article and submitting it to a magazine. Deciding to publish that article. Being a newsagent who chose to stock that magazine. Writing a blog post. Filming a video. Creating a reel. You did not find your values and knowledge a priori; you absorbed them from people around you who were communicating them, and subtly reinforcing your enaction of them.
I am struggling to learn how to communicate verbally; most of my life, people told me to "stop talking like you think you know everything!", "let other people answer for a change!" "Stop talking - no one's interested". I struggle to even record videos. Therapy was really difficult for me, because I'd been trained to a default of the extent of my talking about myself being reassuring everyone that I was fine - before immediately asking how I could meet their needs. I second-guess myself out of asking for help, promoting my business, or offering products for sale. Because what's still being reinforced is "You're a white man - shut the fuck up. No one's interested!"
And that's part of the problem; "You're a man - shut up!" doesn't impact men like Steven Bartlett. It hits the men who don't have a large Instagram following who want to call him out, but will likely get silence from women, and derision from men who are exactly like Steven Bartlett. And so those men don't say anything - because they have to be part of "the group" in order to survive; 90% of us can't afford to be outsiders in the current economy. And the loudest voices are praising every single inane utterance from men who believe women "owe them" whatever they decide they "need", whilst aggressively deriding men who suggest a more inclusive and co-operative position.
If you genuinely believe in "systemic patriarchal oppression", then you have to accept that you need to praise and reward "the bare minimum" - because believing in systemic patriarchal oppression means accepting that society verbally and actively reinforces oppressive attitudes in boys and men. If no one's countering that active, verbal approval of toxic attitudes by being as active and verbal in their approval of positive positions - even when they're "the bare fucking minimum" - how are those being raised under systemic patriarchy ever going to become confident in behaving differently to the men who raised them, and the men who surrounded and surround them in their formative years?
I was fortunate to be raised by an intelligent, calm, compassionate man who believed in the competence and autonomy of women. I was surrounded by a wide variety of men who genuinely accepted and appreciated women in general, not only the women who made their individual lives directly better. I was fortunate to see male teachers in primary school, to know male nurses as a child (one was a neighbour, the other attended the same church my mother did.) I was fortunate to benefit from the support of male youth workers. I was fortunate to see my uncle immediately correct his sons when they expressed hostility towards my aunt in misogynistic ways.
In fact, many of the women in my life were the ones promoting patriarchal supremacy; I am aware my experience is not the common one, but it is real, and it has shaped the man I have become.
That is:
. A man who fundamentally rejects the idea that women "owe" men relationships; if you, as a man, believe that "if you don't work, you don't eat" - you are obliged to believe that applies to relationships, too. If you don't work at being what women are looking for in a partner, you don't eat at those women's tables. If you don't work at being able to see women as human beings whose value and rights are fully equal, in fact and in priority, to your own, you don't eat from the love and support those women are willing to offer to men who prove themselves worthy of them.
. A man who believes that love = putting the other person's success, comfort, and desires first. Each partner should be doing this for the other - if it ever becomes a one-way street? Love is not in that room, and the relationship has already ended.
. A man who believes women are fundamentally different in their outlook, approach, and focus to men - but that different never means lesser.
You don't have to have biological children (or raise any children) to pass on the essence of yourself:
. Build a business
. Invest in companies which are resourcing a world that enables everyone to thrive
. Create art
. Make music
. Be responsible for the next 'wave' of your country's great literature
. Teach other peoples' children
. Support those who are raising children in direct, immediate ways
. Grow gardens
. Clean your seas, your rivers, your parks, your streets
No comments:
Post a Comment