Loneliness: What Is It Really?

 

Loneliness, especially as it pertains to men, is often mocked - because it's fundamentally misunderstood.

Loneliness isn't - as it's often cast when men talk about it - "no one will have sex with me." It's not "no one wants to be romantically involved with me, even in a non-sexual way." It's not even "I don't have any family or social connections." Loneliness is, fundamentally, having no one with whom you feel able to drop the "not being a burden, everyone's going through stuff, I don't want to take up space" mask. It's not having anyone you know will come and help you at literal last-minute notice. It's feeling like you want a party to celebrate something, but realising you can't think of more than half a dozen people you could invite - and knowing that half of those people will find a reason not to attend. It's popular on social media to respond to this with "well, if no one likes you, clearly you're just an arsehole who doesn't know how to actually be a friend to people!" - but often, the loneliest people are those that everyone loves, and gushes over - because they're easy to like, and "liking" is a low-investment contribution. You don't actually have to show up for people you "like". You just have to gush enthusiastically - you don't actually have to find time in your schedule, resources, or emotional presence. People are very quick to like people who will show up for them, be present for them - but less prompt to return those gestures. Male loneliness is a very specific issue, even though people of all genders experience genuine loneliness, because men have a steeper trust threshold, and more demands on their time that isolate them. The demands on women are real, but often social by default - being involved in children's needs and activities, planning events, running domestic chores. A lot of the demands on women also allow them to be present in their own home with space to include others who "aren't doing anything", or who are engaged in "parallel activity" or "body doubling", while the demands on men typically place them either in isolation, in starkly non-domestic settings, or in situations where the other people present are also focused on activity, and are therefore not free to "just chit chat while you get on with things."

Men also tend to face greater expectations to be responsible for demands which necessitate dedicated focus, while the demands women experience allow socialising alongside meeting those demands, because there's no need for high levels of concentration and focus. Again, this makes it harder for men to reach the level of depth of connection necessary for genuine friendships - the kind which offer true support, mutual aid, emotional presence, etc. Statistics claim it takes an average of 50hrs of focused connection to progress to genuine friendship from a standing start; typically, most men work longer hours, and further from home, than many women. That makes it far harder in general for men to make up those 50hrs, especially when they are seeking friendship with other men, who are also limited in their physical availability, the type of shared space whilst meeting life demands they can hold, and the generally steeper road to trust that men have. Events tending to be held in the evening conflicts sharply with the demands of women that their husbands and partners "be engaged with the kids and domestic life" - because that tends to happen in the evenings, which results in a lot of the "But he's been at work with his friends all day - he doesn't need to leave me to get on with the kids and housework while he goes out again, and anyway, why is he going out without me?! He's not allowed to have time away from me unless it's work, because I don't get that!", which cause men to claim that women are "just dramatic and jealous for no reason." Evening events in urban centres also exclude men without transport, men who are geographically isolated, men who are on fixed, low incomes. Men on low incomes are also excluded by events which have an entry fee, or which revolve around food or alcohol. Disabled men are often excluded by social events revolving around sports, or food and alcohol in inaccessible venues. Men who are prioritising sobriety, or a specific nutrition lifestyle, can also be excluded by the alcohol/food centring of social activities, in ways which women are less impacted by - men tend to "lock in" to a somewhat obsessive focus on "discipline and routine", while women more often have a more balanced relationship with nutrition goals, and a desire to "have an excuse to be naughty", which fits in well with the typical style of Western adult socialisation. The bizarre situation of 2025, where things are being aggressively and legally gender-segregated to deny trans men access to male connection and friendship, and trans women access to female connection and friendship, whilst at the same time men's groups - which are being told explicitly they "can't" accept trans men - are being told they must accept cisgender women, or face prosecution for discrimination, isn't helping; men need spaces which do not include women in order to feel confident building the level of trust that men typically have for considering a connection to be a genuine friendship; while women can often socialise more easily with other women when men are present, men need sex-specific spaces, but are being told they "have to be inclusive", at the same time as women's spaces are being told they're literally not allowed to include an entire demographic of women, or even women who might be assumed to belong to this demographic, but, in fact, do not. The situation for men's social spaces mirrors that faced by LGBTQ+ social spaces; these latter spaces also faced legal insistence on "full inclusion" which have rendered them increasingly unsafe for the original community they were intended for, and so diluted as to be unrecognisable as Queer venues. (The dilution to the point of meaninglessness of the word "Queer" is a subject for another post...)

Online spaces can mitigate many physical access barriers, and can feel more comfortable for some marginalised men, but the reality is that people can't communicate online in the same way people communicate in person in physical spaces. Physical spaces compel "talking with", while online spaces rapidly descend into "talking at", with people "holding court", and simply "waiting for my turn to talk", rather than actively listening. Loneliness is not a sexual issue. Male loneliness is genuine, and is distinct from "everyone being lonely."