Masculinity Monday: 3

 

Today, I've been unwell (an invoice for a freelance contract I'm currently working, which should have been paid today, hasn't been; the stress of processing that, and working through what to do about it, has triggered an IBS flare and a depression crash out...), so I didn't complete my usual, formal period of meditation. Instead, I've just been...thinking about things. Particularly, the attitude that "mental health isn't real - it's just people who are a bit confused about how to manage the normal stresses of life", which has circled back round from the depths of the 1990s recently. As someone who both has objective, formally-diagnosed, medicated mental illnesses, and who believes people of all ages and backgrounds would benefit from growing a backbone, realising that life isn't always going to go to plan, and figuring out how to manage their own emotions, that's a particularly thorny and complex subject for me. Life is stressful - but the kinds of people, particularly the kinds of men, who are insisting that no one is really mentally ill, they're just "failing to cope with normal life stress" are people who are shielded from the impacts of "normal life stress" by wealth, power, strong, powerful, wealthy social networks, secure employment, access to resources, including prompt healthcare and extensive credit options. It is reasonable to expect people to be able to cope with: . Rejection (from romantic interests, job applications, sports teams, etc) . Finding paid employment (assuming the individual is physically able-bodied, not cognitively impaired, & with control over their own time and resources) . Actually turning up regularly to work . Handling conflict calmly and respectfully (even if you don't feel calm or respectful!) . Managing the consequences of choices you make (yes, parents, of both genders, this does include your children...You did penetrative intimacy? Children are not an uncommon result. No one in the history of humanity has ever said children are really cheap and easy to raise, and will be absolutely no stress whatsoever. You are able to look up prices of things like childcare.) . Communicating appropriately and clearly However, right now, people without access to shields against life's normal stressors are being expected to manage all of the above, plus: . Taking the initiative for halting climate change and reducing pollution, on the global scale . Controlling national economic shifts . Somehow filling the employment gap (there's currently over 1million more people out of work than there are available jobs in the UK) . For men, taking responsibility for ensuring misogyny ends right now! and never happens again - women, I promise you, rapists, misogynists, etc are not "being brazen about this with their male friends, families, and co-workers!" - when people are, they do get shut down, but they usually keep that shit to themselves, and those they know will think they're cool. "But they're all over the internet saying this stuff!" - so are transphobic and racist cis women; you're not being harried to deal with every single racist, transphobic woman to prove you're not racist or transphobic...you're allowed to just be like "I'm not that kind of person", and everyone's chill with accepting that.

. Again for men, being expected to be completely acceptable to everyone at any given moment - be soft and gentle, but not effeminate! Be strong and decisive, but not controlling! Communicate exactly the way I, a woman, prefer to communicate, but don't expect me to reciprocate by communicating the way you prefer! Yes, it is all men! Even wanting to respond that you're not like that means you absolutely are! No one is going to hit everyone just right. Everyone has a different personality, a different communication style, different interests and focus. Being different is okay. Strength isn't violence. Direct communication isn't aggression or arrogance. Having hobbies isn't "a form of cheating if you also have a partner/are a parent."

. Being expected to be okay with the idea that "gender isn't real", and so you should just be able to immediately be okay with doing anything another person demands of you, but not ever thinking you may be trans, non-binary, not ever believing that concepts like "agender" are real...but also having to field accusations of "men not behaving like men anymore!"/"women used to actually be proud of being feminine!" . Apologise for things done by people who died before you were born, and to accept that, actually, yes, it's completely rational for people to pass that blame and guilt for things people who looked a bit like you onto you directly. . Compete well in a constantly-shifting hyper-capitalist landscape which is constantly bringing in new and higher barriers to even the lowest-level entry to possible success. . Not be living in absolute poverty, but also not even want to be rich. . To be "mutual aid" for everyone who ever believes they're "deprivileged", and therefore "deserve" to be "compensated" by "people with privilege" - even when you're literally beyond broke yourself. . Self-manage the health impacts of "forever chemicals" and pollution that have been in regular use for over half a decade at this point. . Constantly pivot in the face not just of global competition for roles, but also competition from AI, and people who claim to be working the same way you are, but who are actually using AI, whilst never even daring to consider using AI if you're in the creative industries, except those who benefit most from those industries are all using AI. . Breaking out of a constant spiral of "inflation increases prices. Minimum wage goes up, but by less than inflation. Now every company everywhere is having to put their prices up, to cover the minimum wage increase, and the associated cost increases through their entire supply chain, so your increased minimum wage doesn't actually buy anything any more." . The looming threat of World War 3, this time made a worse threat by the significant number of right wing UK politicians who are actively co-operating with our most likely enemy.

These are not "normal life stresses", and it is not reasonable to expect ordinary people to remain sane and healthy whilst trying to manage them; they are the responsibility of national and international governments to co-operate on managing.

There's a separate blog talking about the UK government's recent insistence that mental health conditions are "just people finding life a bit stressful here, and that is a good read for people wondering whether there's a "lack of resilience" in people these days, and how that might apply to concepts of masculinity; as a man with diagnosed mental health conditions, I'd urge you to read it.