New Year, New Masculinity

The future will not be female.  

It won't be male, either.  

The future will either be as diverse as it has always been, with slightly more assigned-females than assigned-males, some intersex people, people who express femininity and masculinity in ways which are not typical for their culture, people who come to realise that their body is not in alignment with their experience of themselves, and who bring their bodies into closer alignment through various means, and to varying degrees, and people who consider that how they live and what interests they pursue is more relevant, in every situation, than what their genitals look like or what word was written on a birth certificate however long ago, or it will cease to exist.

In recent days, on a site which is supposed to be primarily lensed through sexualised contact, or at least the ambition for sexualised contact, there has been a surge of women claiming "I'm glad to hear the birth rate is falling! The fewer women who give birth, the fewer males there'll be, and the safer everyone will be!"

Uhhhmmm...not so much. As this same type of person always likes to point out when they're being homophobic, an island full of cisgender people of the same sex would "literally die out, because they can't procreate!" 

Personally, I have no problem with the idea of homo sapiens reaching an evolutionary end-point, and then terminal population decline - but I have a feeling these women would be very upset about our particular abomination of a species no longer being a problem for the rest of the planet - which is the inevitable result of "fewer males being born."

The reason masculinity is being derided and trashed is not because we "need more feminine energy", but because the masculine energy that is being celebrated and given advancement and preference is immature masculinity.   

Not immature meaning "childish and pathetic", but "immature" meaning "rightly belonging to younger people, but "energy which should be naturally released at a particular point so that energy more relevant for that lifestage can be embraced."

The masculine energies which are given preference, applause, and advancement are those of young adult men - men aged 18-40; the energies of the lover and the warrior.

Mature masculine energies, which men should be enthusiastic and supported to embrace as they reach relevant life stages, are those of the magician and the king - energies of outward-focused leadership. Energies of transformative incitement to dynamic experimentation and improvement. Energies of command of oneself, and confidence to explore possibilities with enthusiasm.

What Resolutions Reflect Magician Energy?
. In 2026, I will focus on the things I genuinely love, and, if my current method of earning an income doesn't make that list, I commit to exploring opportunities which meet my income needs that are connected to the things I love.

. In 2026, I will identify a cohesive style that truly reflects my personal essence, and explore ways to bring that style to the fore in all areas of my life.

. In 2026, I will be curious about lives and passions which are not my own, and will engage fully and genuinely with those who live those lives and pursue those passions.

How is King Energy Reflected in Possible New Year's Resolutions?
. In 2026, I will identify genuine gaps in skills, knowledge, and understanding that I have, and commit time to filling those gaps in myself.

. In 2026, I will identify skills and knowledge in my community which I am able to meet, and will commit time to filling those gaps in an engaging and compassionate way, which centres the needs of others over my own ego.

. In 2026, I will commit time, pro bono professional expertise, or money to causes and organisations which are meeting skills and knowledge gaps whose existence frustrates me.

This isn't a cry against those who are of the appropriate age to be in their lover or warrior energy, or those who are compelled, regardless of age, to take up, or continue in, a warrior aspect - I had to become a warrior in childhood, far too soon - the archetypes are for men; boyhood is a time for complete freedom (as is girlhood.)  I had to make a conscious choice to move away from warrior energy - which is the journey this blog follows - and honestly? I'm not comfortable outside that archetype right now. I don't know how to be anything other than a warrior - but it's time to learn, because it is not appropriate, either for individuals or society, for mature adult males to fail to embrace mature masculine archetypes.  My intention is to step into the magician archetype through the course of this year, and develop that archetype to its fullest extent over the following 15-20 years, before transitioning again into the king archetype.

I hope this blog can become a resource which guides other men through the midlife transition from warrior or lover into their magician archetype - and, perhaps, assuming the internet, and this site specifically, endure long enough, will guide the later life transition, from magician to king, too.

Do you have to be an older man to be a king? No; the importance in masculinity is that young males - whether embracing an assigned-at-birth maleness, or acquiring maleness as part of self-actualisation - are able to be boys first. That is why so many "trans mascs" seem so childish; the harm of embracing your true gender is that you don't get to be your child-self. You have to speedrun boyhood (or girlhood, for trans women) as an adult - a "young" man/woman, still, because you are newly male (or female, if you are a trans woman), and "young" can refer to "young in experience" as much as "young in chronological years."  This speedrunning, often having to be carried out without the sound adult oversight that children should have in their lives, can result in a failure to identify the correct first-stage-of-adulthood archetype; lovers cannot be warriors, because warriorship demands a focus and commitment to the battle, which is counter to the lover's focus on the beloved, while the life of the lover requires a softness and ease with indolence that would destroy the warrior.  You are either/or where lover/warrior is concerned, and the draw should be in accordance with your temperament, not what you think you "should" be.  In honest hindsight, I should not have got married while I was still inhabiting the warrior archetype; if I had realised that before getting married, my wife would have experienced ten years with a man embracing the lover role fully, which would have given her a smoother life than we actually rode out together.  I can't change my past - but perhaps I can change the futures for other men, and the partners they may take; do not invite another person into your life on a permanent romantic connection basis if you are in warrior archetype; traditionally, across cultures, warriors were always unmarried men for a reason; lovers have their own focus, which is an honourable one, but one which cannot be combined with the focus demanded of the warrior.

Boyhood is exploration without commitment, play paving the way to your natural role.  The taking-away of boyhood, through seeking to restrict what play is "appropriate", through decreasing - and often removing - playtime during the school day, through parental demands that activity outside of school, even for very young children, be "purposeful", by claiming that the natural and instinctual play of boys is "problematic" in some way - either it's "too rough", and "forcibly excludes girls", or it's "effeminate", and the boy in question "needs to toughen up, and be made a man of." If this post tells you nothing else, it is that boys MUST NOT be "made men out of"; boys need to be allowed and encouraged to be boys - and then, as they enter their teenage years, supported to learn about and begin light-touch exploration of the archetype which comes naturally to them - and which they will start to more fully embrace once they are actually adults.

 

Masculinity Mondays: 6

 

This one is very, very late (it's 9.15pm as I'm typing) - I had a bad night with insomnia on Saturday night, & that led to "hangover wake-up" this morning (Sunday was just a complete write-off).

I haven't been able to meditate today (thanks to the insomnia hangover), but I've still been able to "make some observations as I go through the day" (which can be a kind of meditation, if you bring that intention to it - which, today, I didn't, but which I have done on other occasions.)

The most impactful observation centres around the final final realisation that, yes, my sight loss is now so advanced I need to use my guide cane every time I go out - which came courtesy of falling flat on my face because I didn't see an uneven patch of pavement. And yes, of course there were other people around when I fell.

That led to deeper observations, about why I don't like to go out with my cane, which ties in to the deliberate deconstruction of the working class.

I am working class - if I don't show up when and where I said I would, and do things other people have asked me to do, I don't have income. If I don't have income, I don't have anything. I end up in jail, literally on the street homeless.

I was raised working class - my father worked in factories, as did my grandfather. My mother, when she worked, was a care worker. My grandmother, prior to her mental illness escalating to a point where she was regularly being sectioned, and was unable to do much of anything, was a cleaner.

I live in a working class area.

But "working class" has been deliberately tainted by the addition - courtesy of middle class disregard - of what I call the "social refusenik" class.  People who believe "working class" means "not giving a shit about anyone else."  People who believe working class means "doing the bare minimum in every given situation."  People for whom working class means "slobbishness and self-interest."

If I lived in a purely working class area - as I did when I was growing up - I would have started using my cane regularly long before now; because in a purely working class area, I would feel secure in the sense that people had concern for one another, that we looked out for each other, and that help was just a direct but polite ask away most of the time.

In the polluted, no longer purely working class area I now live in, and particularly as a man? There's a significant percentage of the population who view disability as weakness, or as borderline criminality. People who see disabled people as legitimate targets for mugging, assault, and worse.

I have a wife who is more disabled than I am to protect.
I have to be able to work. I can't afford to not be able to work.
As a trans man, in 2025, under Keir Starmer's government and Wes Streeting's NHS, it is no longer safe for me to have to go to hospital, especially not if I'm taken there by ambulance.

I don't like going out with my white cane because it increases my risk profile in the area I live in - my road alone sees fights almost every night, features daily screaming at kids/partners/dogs that is happening inside houses, but can be clearly heard as you're passing by on the street, there've been two arson attacks, an acid attack, and at least three knife attacks in the past decade.  And that's one street.

But this is the second time in less than six months I've fallen while I've been out; that doesn't make me safe, either.

Working class once meant community; now it means competition, a ridiculous, pathetic, but potentially lethal, fight for too-few resources, often including a significant minority who aren't even entitled to them. Constant predatory patrolling of assumed and appropriated "territory". Callousness and casual cruelty.   That's not because of working class people; it's because of social refuseniks who identify as "working class" without knowing the first thing about what that phrase means, the history and weight it carries, the responsibilities that come with it.

I am working class - but I don't feel comfortable identifying as "working class" any more.

Masculinity Mondays: 5

 

Part of any "check in with your body" practice should include checking in with your mental and emotional state, as well as your fatigue levels. My wife and I celebrate the Yule Solstice, rather than Christmas, so we're done and dusted for "out of the ordinary" days - and our focus is on reflection and preparation for the coming year, rather than noise and crowds. We do exchange and accept gifts, but they're not the focal point - they're part of a wider day of making time and space to truly "be" in companionship with one another. For the day before and the day of Solstice, we don't buy anything (no, not even online!) and we are intentional with tech - I turn off my laptop and phone entirely, while my wife does keep hers on, but mainly for connecting with friends who also celebrate Solstice, rather than Christmas. I'm working until Christmas Eve, in a light-touch way (checking in on email and social media at the beginning and end of each working day; my role involves liaising with organisations, businesses, and individuals, and it's never clear who's actually about in the run up to Christmas. This year will also be the first time in 8yrs that I've actually taken the period between Christmas and New Year off - from this morning's check in, I very much need that.) I felt exceptionally achy and tired, checking in, in a way I haven't over the past two days. Sad, too, in a soft, unfocused way. I don't want to be back online, back staring at a screen. Even typing this, I'm conscious of my jaw clenching, my stomach aching. It's not that I think the internet is "evil" or "screens are killing us!" - I recognise the practicality they offer, but I also think they're losing that utility, as they become just another outlet for hyper-capitalism. One of the ways I like to establish value is to ask "If I won the lottery, would I pay for...?"

Apply that to the internet: If I won the lottery/had a reliably constant income that was sufficient, would I pay for an ad-free, influencer-scrubbed social media? If it could be guaranteed influencer and ad-free, I might; up to a fiver a month. But I'd be cancelling the minute a single ad or influencer crossed my feed.

Would I pay to use search engines? No - I actually know a lot of stuff already, and I trust traditionally published books and magazines more than algorithms. Would I pay to have access to email? Yes - it's useful for the kinds of communication I need to do professionally, and I know how to set rules and filters that render it no more stressful than going through physical post. (Seriously...learn to filter your inbox, ffs! It's a game changer. If you're a fan of AI (I'm not) learn how to teach it default responses to certain kinds of messages - it'll respond without you even having to read the email. I can summarise and send a response in under 5mins just reading most emails myself, so I don't need AI's assistance in that matter - well, other than sometimes in providing text-to-speech, but that's not usually what people mean when they talk about AI.) I mentioned I felt very tired, and very low - which are both things men aren't really allowed to talk about feeling, these days. We may be (slowly) moving beyond the idea of "stiff upper lip; keep calm and carry on!", but we're moving instead into the snapped response of "Try being a woman!" Fun fact; I have: I was less tired. People offered to help me far more than they have in the time I've cohesively engaged with society as a man. My performance at work wasn't as scrutinised. I didn't face the same struggle to get work in the first place. It was easier to find social activities. I was more depressed, though - to the point of suicide. I couldn't see a way past the depression. Now? I still get depressed, but it's rarely anything like as bad, and mostly I can go "It's just mental weather" - but we don't tell people they shouldn't talk about the weather, or that certain types of people are having a worse experience with the weather, do we?

Masculinity Mondays: 4

 

This morning's meditation and connection with my body saw me become very aware of, and centred in, the sexual force of my masculinity; there was a strong presence of being a person with a dick, a person with balls, a person who could use that dick in forceful ways, ways that conveyed and carried power.

My dick is not the weapon of the warrior, although it could be; it is, instead, the magician's wand, a physical focus point for energy I am directing towards an outcome.

As a trans man, my dick is a psychic concept, which, when I wish to engage it, becomes a manifest concept through one of several artificial enhancements I have available to me.   I will make it clear, though, I have a penis. It's not tactile or visible until I strap something on, but it is very present in my psychic and sensual awareness of my body. I can feel the weight of it without any intentional thought at all. I usually come to wakefulness needing to wank.

As an asexual man, the fact of my dick existing does not mean I feel any particular need or drive to make others aware of my dick.  I have never been especially interested in penetrative intercourse as a form of intimacy; for me, penetration is a manifestation of power, not of intimacy.

I am asexual because intimacy, for me, is at its most intense when it is not focused on genitals, whether mine or other peoples'.  I consider sex to be intimacy focused on the arousal of one's partner/s, as a fulfilment of one's own arousal by their partner/s; I am intimate with my wife, and I am genuinely engaged with and connected to her in those times of intimacy, but it often does not involve arousal; I do not need to be aroused to be intimate with her in ways which do not centre genitalia, nor do I need her to be aroused in order to recognise that she has engaged in intimacy with me.

Intimacy can be sexual - for most people, it is.  It can be physical but non-sexual, and, for many men, this is where women let us down; women's understanding about men's bodies begins and ends, typically, with "they want you to do stuff to their dick" - and, undoubtedly, many men do, in the same way as many women want their clit interacted with during sex; but men, just like women, have erogenous zones other than our genitals; for me, those are the area between the front of my shoulder and the top of my pecs, and the outside of my hip, as well as the back of my balls.  Everyone has their own erogenous zones, and, in part, masturbation should include a sensual exploration of one's own body, so that those zones are known, and can be communicated to a partner.

Intimacy can also be emotional - the drive to be present with your partner/s, while each of you are getting on with your own occupations. The genuine comfort derived from thinking about and being with your partner/s.  Deep conversations, and shared experiences.

I believe that the key to moving from the warrior to the magician is learning to engage, value, and prioritise emotional intimacy to the same degree as sexual intimacy; this is what turns your penis from a weapon to a channel, a means to direct energy to fulfil an intention you have already been working with - but a tool which will not always be needed.

The challenge here is that both men and women are told that "men aren't really emotional beings", and we are certainly not taught how to engage our emotions to positively enhance others' experience of our presence with and connection to them.  

However, the fact of society not telling you something from childhood is no excuse. Being human means we are capable of learning new things throughout our lives, and being in society means we have an obligation to do so.

What Should Men's Role at Christmas Be?

 

This blog starts with a confession: I hate the annual rant-fest of "Remember, the "perfect holidays" of your nostalgia-trip were brought to you by exhausted women!"

Because my own mother did fuck. all. at Christmas (or any other time.) It was my Dad who cycled home from work with a fucking whole fresh Christmas tree tied across his back, and a whole turkey balanced on his handle bars (we couldn't afford a car for most of my childhood, after the one my parents had been gifted when I was a baby got stolen, because my Dad was the sole wage earner, a factory electrician on a wage that fell squarely into the space of "not-terrible-but-not-that-great-either" that is probably very recognisable to many Millennial/Gen Z folk, and we didn't need a car - we could walk or cycle to our local town, there were buses to our nearest city, which had a train service & wider bus provision, my Dad cycled to and from work, my primary school was literally at the end of the road, and my high school provided a bus service from the surrounding villages, the local town had doctors, dentist, veterinary surgery, and a supermarket, the city had shoe shops and clothing shops, basic clothing like underwear and socks could be brought in one of the shops in the local town...A car wasn't essential to our life, and balancing the budget was easier without the costs associated with owning a vehicle.)

It was my father who, after a run of 12hr factory shifts, had to clean the house (while my mother kept dropping the idea of "I'm going to invite some of the neighbours round for a house party", whilst never, in fact, actually doing that), get the decorations up, and cook the entire Christmas dinner while my mother...went to church. For the entirety of Christmas morning. FOUR HOURS of different services...she just stayed for the whole time, while my father had to manage the cooking around the fact that my grandparents had been ensconced in our two-bedroom house since the afternoon of Christmas Eve, when the last bus from their village to ours until the day after Boxing Day ran....for 3 nights, I slept on the sofa,while my grandparents slept in my room (my parents upgraded their bed from a double to a king when I was 6, and I inherited their old double bed...and the old mattress...which I slept on until I was 16, and upgraded my room at my own expense...including buying a new mattress...I realise now that was...not actually okay.) For 3 days, my father was mostly responsible for accommodating my grandfather's anxiety, and my grandmother's disabilities, while my mother either went to church, or sat on the sofa listening to CDs of hymns and carols.

My mother insisted that our fireplace be cleaned "properly", including the brass fender being fully polished - but she would never do it. (My Dad taught me how to use brass polish, and do a good finish...which is still something I find satisfying.)

Our shoes had to be polished and buffed "because Christmas is special"...my mother would never get near a tin of shoe polish. (Again, I learned to boot black...these days, I just spritz furniture polish over shoes if I need them to actually shine...boot blacking is not my role in NSFW communities, lol!) The garden had to be "tidied up" - which involved weeding borders (my job), mowing a pretty large lawn, and trimming bushes.

The window frames and front door needed to be re-varnished "so it looks nice for the neighbours", as well as the windows being cleaned - I'd clean the windows, and was taught the "trick" of using vinegar & lemon juice, and scrubbing with newspaper...I actually do this when I window clean as part of a "full" spring clean (in between times, I just use window spray and a rag...) My Dad was stripping and varnishing the woodwork. In the week before Christmas. Whilst working 12hr factory shifts, and cycling 20mins to and from that job, with a full bag of tools.

Now, in my adult life, I'm mostly responsible for organising "special" events, buying and putting up decorations, etc, because my wife's neurodiversity means it doesn't really occur to her to do anything particular for "occasions", and, when it does, it often causes decision paralysis, where she'll get so fixated on "I have to do something really impactful, but what, of all these things I could do, is the most sensible/effective?" that...nothing actually gets done.   I don't resent that, because she's not able to help how her brain handles things, and I actually enjoy organising things for the two of us. (Events in general, I do not enjoy organising, because I've had way too many times of spending a lot of time and money only for no one to show up, or for people to show up, and then backstab and b*tch about me behind the scenes.)

Since my Dad died? My mother has tried to wheedle me into "coming over for a proper Christmas" (ie, sorting out a "proper Christmas" for her), or inviting herself up to my aunt's when I hold the boundary that I will only engage with my mother in public spaces (emotional & physical abuse on her part, which has resulted in cPTSD, I'm still working through, and my mother being a racist, transphobic individual who literally cannot avoid finding the most ridiculous way to shoehorn "opportunity to be a bigot" into even the most innocuous conversations, and me...not really feeling interested in spending time with people like that...) She has never done anything that would involve her actually doing any level of prep or clear up.

So, in my life, memories have been, and are, made by men. In my life, women are basically passengers that things are done for...by men.

But, I have to get past the resentment I feel because of my life, and accept that, for many women, "events and occasions that create lasting memories for the children" are "stress and exhaustion for those women".

I have to accept that, if so many people are saying that, as women, they are having to do all the work of creating the atmosphere and experience of events and occasions, it may well be at least mostly true.

When men do respond to accusations of non-involvement, the responses I've seen fall into one of three categories: . Men with my own experience, where they are the ones who organise everything.

. Men claiming they're "too tired", that they work full-time, while the women in their lives "only" work part-time (even when there are children in the family, and those women are placed as "default parent", responsible for everything around those children...)

. Men saying they "don't know how to do all that sort of stuff", or "she just does it better".

Let's address those last two claims - that men work full time, so are "too tired" to engage in organising Christmas, or that they "don't know how to do it as well as she (wife/mother/girlfriend) does".

. I work more, so I shouldn't have to/I'm too tired
Okay. If you don't have kids, then there's definitely a conversation to be had about how much additional free time the partner who works fewer hours has to organise things.

That person may still not want to do all the organising - and that's okay. You shouldn't be nickel-and-diming people you claim to care for on "are you doing exactly the same amount of labour for the household as I am?"

Discuss together the type of occasion you want, the budget, and whether you're inviting people from outside your household.  Do this at least three months ahead of the day.

Christmas does not have to be an all-out performance. It absolutely can be "Buy pre-decorated artificial tree, which can be wheeled out year after year. Cook a roast dinner, including turkey if that's actually what people want. Buy a pre-made supermarket or bakery cake.  Do no more than 2 gifts per person. Only buy for immediate family and close friends."   That's minimal effort, which can very easily be divided even when both partners work full time. 

The focus of Christmas can be "enjoy having time together, engage in hobbies you don't usually have the time for", rather than "gifts, food, and decorations."  If people around you complain about this, and say it "doesn't feel like Christmas"? - tell them if they want a specific experience, they can be involved in creating that experience. And they can pay towards it.

2. "I don't know how to do it as well as she does"
Then learn.

Aged 8, I didn't know how to cook spaghetti bolognese; my Dad had me watch him one time, then the next time help him, then the third time do the whole process while he supervised - then the fourth time? I got dinner sorted so it was on the table the minute he got home from work.   

I learned to cook spaghetti bolognese - which has, through the following 31 years, extended into being able to cook a range of meals from scratch, and a good working knowledge of what ingredients will combine well and taste good together.

Also, you don't have to do things to the same standard another person does - if they demand that you do, then they're not coming from a place of actually appreciating you as a person, and they need to work on their attitude, and the negative lessons they may have carried through from situations that are no longer relevant.

If you can buy tools, stuff for your car, stuff centred on your hobbies - you can buy gifts for your family.  If you can put up an F1 poster, or hang a rack to store tools in your workshop - you can put up Christmas decorations.  If you can run project management at work - you can order the Christmas shop.

However, there is another lens: should men be expected to "organise events and occasions", including Christmas?

Obviously, in my household, that's what I do as a man. It's what my Dad did while I was growing up.  Men are completely capable of styling a house, ordering a food shop, buying and wrapping gifts, and writing and posting cards.

But is it reasonable for women who are also capable of doing those things to demand that men do them? Is there a consideration about gender and roles to be had?

I'm a Norse Pagan in terms of my spiritual focus.  The Norse were actually very equitable in terms of gender,  with  women holding a lot of social power, and being well respected in Norse society.

However, there were still norms about what men and women were responsible for; in relation to "sorting out amazing family experiences", those norms included the idea that women represented their household, and, in fact, represented their husbands when those men were absent (usually hunting, going a-viking, or at war).

Decorating for occasions is the ultimate form of "representing the household" - but it does mean that, if women are responsible for arranging events, because they're "responsible for representing the household", then men, as the heads of those households,need to decide how those events should go.

I have previously worked in project management: my role was to decide what the final product should be, and identify the most effective way to deliver it from whatever starting position the team was in, then telling other people what they needed to do to get to that end point. It wasn't "doing all the work of delivering the project" (that was a tough lesson for me to take on board in my first project management role, because my childhood had been "if you want it, you have to make it happen, and no one is going to help you" - letting go of that, and trusting other people to do what they'd been asked, was a real challenge for me, and actually still is, if I'm honest.)

If you as a man are not intending to get involved in the work of organising Christmas (or other events), then your role is to make the executive decisions about what needs to happen for the Christmas you want.  You communicate the vision, you provide the resources for the vision (money, preparatory work, identifying places to purchase particular things from), and then you ask others to bring the vision to life.

And women? Taking executive decisions off peoples' plates is relieving them of work.  It becomes your responsibility to respond "I don't actually have the time to achieve that if I'm doing all of it myself; here's something along the lines of what you're thinking that I can do" if that's the case - for example: "Do your parents actually expect a gift from us, or can I just send them a card with a gift voucher, because I don't know them very well, really, so it's going to be a lot of work for me to find gifts that would be suitable, plus it's more things I have to wrap, it would probably mean we'd have to find time to go and visit them before Christmas, to get the gifts to them, whereas a gift voucher in a card can just be posted",  "I feel it would be better to give the children 2-3 gifts for Christmas day, then make a special day of going out for the post-Christmas sales, because other family will either buy them things, or give them money, and this stops them becoming overstimulated, and also extends the fun family time",  "I will either need you to supervise the children getting elements of the housework done, or to come with me, and them, to do the main shop for this event; I am not able to do the shop with the children on my own and then come home and do the housework."

The person organising and resourcing should not also be the person creating.

The person creating should not also be the person providing the executive vision, and arranging the resources.  (Some personal circumstances, such as living alone, or disability, may alter that, but in general, it's a good rule.)

What is Christmas About, for You?
The answer to this will determine the vision for your "Christmas as occasion", and, therefore, the amount and type of work that goes into it.

Some options for "what Christmas is about":
. Faith - the main focus will be attending church. Decorations can be limited to candles, a prominently displayed star, and a Nativity scene. The main Christmas meal can be "elevated, but simple."  Gifts are symbolic, and therefore each person only needs one gift. Normalise this from the very beginning of your journey with children, and communicate about the reason you only give one gift to each person.

. Family - it may be easier for you to meet family outside your immediate household at a pub/restaurant/hotel before or after Christmas day proper, and focus Christmas Day exclusively on your very immediate family; this removes the stress of people having to travel to several different households, or "find space" for multiple people if they're hosting, it means everyone can have the kind of food they'd prefer, without the host being expected to provide it, and it means you know the cost upfront.

This means decorations can be a Christmas tree, some tinsel and/or garlands, in the rooms you spend the most time in, and your Christmas dinner can be something "special", but simple to prepare, and liked by everyone in your household.

. Extravagant - this may well call for "pulling all the stops out" - but this means you have to discuss this with the people you're assuming will do the majority of the work of "making extravagant happen".  If they're not on the same page? You either have to do all or most of the work yourself, or you hire a professional organiser and pay them to do it for you.

Loneliness: What Is It Really?

 

Loneliness, especially as it pertains to men, is often mocked - because it's fundamentally misunderstood.

Loneliness isn't - as it's often cast when men talk about it - "no one will have sex with me." It's not "no one wants to be romantically involved with me, even in a non-sexual way." It's not even "I don't have any family or social connections." Loneliness is, fundamentally, having no one with whom you feel able to drop the "not being a burden, everyone's going through stuff, I don't want to take up space" mask. It's not having anyone you know will come and help you at literal last-minute notice. It's feeling like you want a party to celebrate something, but realising you can't think of more than half a dozen people you could invite - and knowing that half of those people will find a reason not to attend. It's popular on social media to respond to this with "well, if no one likes you, clearly you're just an arsehole who doesn't know how to actually be a friend to people!" - but often, the loneliest people are those that everyone loves, and gushes over - because they're easy to like, and "liking" is a low-investment contribution. You don't actually have to show up for people you "like". You just have to gush enthusiastically - you don't actually have to find time in your schedule, resources, or emotional presence. People are very quick to like people who will show up for them, be present for them - but less prompt to return those gestures. Male loneliness is a very specific issue, even though people of all genders experience genuine loneliness, because men have a steeper trust threshold, and more demands on their time that isolate them. The demands on women are real, but often social by default - being involved in children's needs and activities, planning events, running domestic chores. A lot of the demands on women also allow them to be present in their own home with space to include others who "aren't doing anything", or who are engaged in "parallel activity" or "body doubling", while the demands on men typically place them either in isolation, in starkly non-domestic settings, or in situations where the other people present are also focused on activity, and are therefore not free to "just chit chat while you get on with things."

Men also tend to face greater expectations to be responsible for demands which necessitate dedicated focus, while the demands women experience allow socialising alongside meeting those demands, because there's no need for high levels of concentration and focus. Again, this makes it harder for men to reach the level of depth of connection necessary for genuine friendships - the kind which offer true support, mutual aid, emotional presence, etc. Statistics claim it takes an average of 50hrs of focused connection to progress to genuine friendship from a standing start; typically, most men work longer hours, and further from home, than many women. That makes it far harder in general for men to make up those 50hrs, especially when they are seeking friendship with other men, who are also limited in their physical availability, the type of shared space whilst meeting life demands they can hold, and the generally steeper road to trust that men have. Events tending to be held in the evening conflicts sharply with the demands of women that their husbands and partners "be engaged with the kids and domestic life" - because that tends to happen in the evenings, which results in a lot of the "But he's been at work with his friends all day - he doesn't need to leave me to get on with the kids and housework while he goes out again, and anyway, why is he going out without me?! He's not allowed to have time away from me unless it's work, because I don't get that!", which cause men to claim that women are "just dramatic and jealous for no reason." Evening events in urban centres also exclude men without transport, men who are geographically isolated, men who are on fixed, low incomes. Men on low incomes are also excluded by events which have an entry fee, or which revolve around food or alcohol. Disabled men are often excluded by social events revolving around sports, or food and alcohol in inaccessible venues. Men who are prioritising sobriety, or a specific nutrition lifestyle, can also be excluded by the alcohol/food centring of social activities, in ways which women are less impacted by - men tend to "lock in" to a somewhat obsessive focus on "discipline and routine", while women more often have a more balanced relationship with nutrition goals, and a desire to "have an excuse to be naughty", which fits in well with the typical style of Western adult socialisation. The bizarre situation of 2025, where things are being aggressively and legally gender-segregated to deny trans men access to male connection and friendship, and trans women access to female connection and friendship, whilst at the same time men's groups - which are being told explicitly they "can't" accept trans men - are being told they must accept cisgender women, or face prosecution for discrimination, isn't helping; men need spaces which do not include women in order to feel confident building the level of trust that men typically have for considering a connection to be a genuine friendship; while women can often socialise more easily with other women when men are present, men need sex-specific spaces, but are being told they "have to be inclusive", at the same time as women's spaces are being told they're literally not allowed to include an entire demographic of women, or even women who might be assumed to belong to this demographic, but, in fact, do not. The situation for men's social spaces mirrors that faced by LGBTQ+ social spaces; these latter spaces also faced legal insistence on "full inclusion" which have rendered them increasingly unsafe for the original community they were intended for, and so diluted as to be unrecognisable as Queer venues. (The dilution to the point of meaninglessness of the word "Queer" is a subject for another post...)

Online spaces can mitigate many physical access barriers, and can feel more comfortable for some marginalised men, but the reality is that people can't communicate online in the same way people communicate in person in physical spaces. Physical spaces compel "talking with", while online spaces rapidly descend into "talking at", with people "holding court", and simply "waiting for my turn to talk", rather than actively listening. Loneliness is not a sexual issue. Male loneliness is genuine, and is distinct from "everyone being lonely."

Masculinity Monday: 3

 

Today, I've been unwell (an invoice for a freelance contract I'm currently working, which should have been paid today, hasn't been; the stress of processing that, and working through what to do about it, has triggered an IBS flare and a depression crash out...), so I didn't complete my usual, formal period of meditation. Instead, I've just been...thinking about things. Particularly, the attitude that "mental health isn't real - it's just people who are a bit confused about how to manage the normal stresses of life", which has circled back round from the depths of the 1990s recently. As someone who both has objective, formally-diagnosed, medicated mental illnesses, and who believes people of all ages and backgrounds would benefit from growing a backbone, realising that life isn't always going to go to plan, and figuring out how to manage their own emotions, that's a particularly thorny and complex subject for me. Life is stressful - but the kinds of people, particularly the kinds of men, who are insisting that no one is really mentally ill, they're just "failing to cope with normal life stress" are people who are shielded from the impacts of "normal life stress" by wealth, power, strong, powerful, wealthy social networks, secure employment, access to resources, including prompt healthcare and extensive credit options. It is reasonable to expect people to be able to cope with: . Rejection (from romantic interests, job applications, sports teams, etc) . Finding paid employment (assuming the individual is physically able-bodied, not cognitively impaired, & with control over their own time and resources) . Actually turning up regularly to work . Handling conflict calmly and respectfully (even if you don't feel calm or respectful!) . Managing the consequences of choices you make (yes, parents, of both genders, this does include your children...You did penetrative intimacy? Children are not an uncommon result. No one in the history of humanity has ever said children are really cheap and easy to raise, and will be absolutely no stress whatsoever. You are able to look up prices of things like childcare.) . Communicating appropriately and clearly However, right now, people without access to shields against life's normal stressors are being expected to manage all of the above, plus: . Taking the initiative for halting climate change and reducing pollution, on the global scale . Controlling national economic shifts . Somehow filling the employment gap (there's currently over 1million more people out of work than there are available jobs in the UK) . For men, taking responsibility for ensuring misogyny ends right now! and never happens again - women, I promise you, rapists, misogynists, etc are not "being brazen about this with their male friends, families, and co-workers!" - when people are, they do get shut down, but they usually keep that shit to themselves, and those they know will think they're cool. "But they're all over the internet saying this stuff!" - so are transphobic and racist cis women; you're not being harried to deal with every single racist, transphobic woman to prove you're not racist or transphobic...you're allowed to just be like "I'm not that kind of person", and everyone's chill with accepting that.

. Again for men, being expected to be completely acceptable to everyone at any given moment - be soft and gentle, but not effeminate! Be strong and decisive, but not controlling! Communicate exactly the way I, a woman, prefer to communicate, but don't expect me to reciprocate by communicating the way you prefer! Yes, it is all men! Even wanting to respond that you're not like that means you absolutely are! No one is going to hit everyone just right. Everyone has a different personality, a different communication style, different interests and focus. Being different is okay. Strength isn't violence. Direct communication isn't aggression or arrogance. Having hobbies isn't "a form of cheating if you also have a partner/are a parent."

. Being expected to be okay with the idea that "gender isn't real", and so you should just be able to immediately be okay with doing anything another person demands of you, but not ever thinking you may be trans, non-binary, not ever believing that concepts like "agender" are real...but also having to field accusations of "men not behaving like men anymore!"/"women used to actually be proud of being feminine!" . Apologise for things done by people who died before you were born, and to accept that, actually, yes, it's completely rational for people to pass that blame and guilt for things people who looked a bit like you onto you directly. . Compete well in a constantly-shifting hyper-capitalist landscape which is constantly bringing in new and higher barriers to even the lowest-level entry to possible success. . Not be living in absolute poverty, but also not even want to be rich. . To be "mutual aid" for everyone who ever believes they're "deprivileged", and therefore "deserve" to be "compensated" by "people with privilege" - even when you're literally beyond broke yourself. . Self-manage the health impacts of "forever chemicals" and pollution that have been in regular use for over half a decade at this point. . Constantly pivot in the face not just of global competition for roles, but also competition from AI, and people who claim to be working the same way you are, but who are actually using AI, whilst never even daring to consider using AI if you're in the creative industries, except those who benefit most from those industries are all using AI. . Breaking out of a constant spiral of "inflation increases prices. Minimum wage goes up, but by less than inflation. Now every company everywhere is having to put their prices up, to cover the minimum wage increase, and the associated cost increases through their entire supply chain, so your increased minimum wage doesn't actually buy anything any more." . The looming threat of World War 3, this time made a worse threat by the significant number of right wing UK politicians who are actively co-operating with our most likely enemy.

These are not "normal life stresses", and it is not reasonable to expect ordinary people to remain sane and healthy whilst trying to manage them; they are the responsibility of national and international governments to co-operate on managing.

There's a separate blog talking about the UK government's recent insistence that mental health conditions are "just people finding life a bit stressful here, and that is a good read for people wondering whether there's a "lack of resilience" in people these days, and how that might apply to concepts of masculinity; as a man with diagnosed mental health conditions, I'd urge you to read it.

Masculinity Mondays: 2

I spent the weekend away, at a quiet pub/hotel in Hunstanton, a town I have always had a fondness for, and where I'd once hoped to move - the first time, I lost my job just before I was due to confirm a rental application; the second time, I was exclusively looking to buy, as I had pets by then, and nothing was in the limited price range I had available.

As things have progressed with my health, Hunstanton would no longer work as somewhere to live; the wi-fi across the town is neither strong nor reliable (the pub's wi-fi was actually down when I was there, meaning they were cash only, which is a feature throughout the town, especially for smaller businesses), so remote work isn't really an option, and that happens to be what I need to fully accommodate my disabilities and health issues.

I've come to peace with the fact that Hunstanton, for the next 25yrs at least, will only be somewhere I visit.

While I was away, I came across Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing on TV; during one episode, Bob Mortimer made the following observation about andropause - the "male menopause":
 "I reckon it is a thing, y'know, because when I was younger, I had this raging fire of ambition and daring and curiousity...and now, it's like there's this very small, frail little flame, and it feels like it could easily be snuffed out, so I stay quiet and shuttered in at home, just guarding this little flame." The thing is, this isn't "the male menopause" - or, rather, it is, but andropause isn't what we think it is. This - and andropause - is the natural transition to the Magician or fully realised Lover; the Lover who cares for the state of hearth and home, who romances by candlelight; the Magician who keeps the flame of sorcery and the things of the mind.

The bright, high fire of youth is the fire of the Warrior, or the childish, selfish Lover, the Lover in his shadow self, the teenage boy Lover, not the Lover as an adult man.

Many - perhaps all - of the problems in society today can be laid at the door of the created belief that andropause is a bad thing, which has meant that only childish Lovers are presenting themselves for romantic relationships, not adult Lovers who have realised the nuances of passion, and the skill of keeping flames alive.

Men are not meant to remain as teenagers, consumed by the drive of the Warrior or the childish demands of the selfish Lover. We are supposed to mature into either the Magician or adult Lover, and, through them, to the wisdom of the King.