Masculinity Mondays: 20

 

I woke up earlier this morning, around 4am, in a full on panic attack. Not "frightened by a bad dream" (I hadn't been dreaming, or at least I didn't have any memory of dreaming).  Not "spooked awake by a noise" (I have previously slept through the tent I was in being ripped up by a storm, and being carried to a friend's caravan... I don't wake to sudden noises...meaning anyone who breaks in is going to have to deal with my suddenly-woken-wife... which will make them regret every one of their life choices).

I had been deeply asleep, and then I wasn't. I was awake, and physically shaking, feeling nauseous, heart racing, on the verge of tears.

The whole experience lasted almost an hour, and I still, three hours after I was finally calm enough to go back to sleep, couldn't tell you what it was about.

And I think that's the key to why social media believes "men don't have emotions!" or, when people are trying to pretend they're not femme-centric arseholes, that "men have much less complex emotions than women, because testosterone." (Which is a huge motivating factor behind cis women demanding testosterone injections as part of menopause treatment...and getting them, at a time when governments around the world are doing everything possible to prevent trans men accessing testosterone, because "it's completely unproven for female biology! It's dangerous! YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR BIOLOGICAL REALITY!!!" - women have swallowed whole the idea that "testosterone stops the overwhelm of female emotions", and, because menopause, as a biological upheaval, is very emotional, they want to feel calm and in control again - because who doesn't?)

The reality is that men have the same range of emotions as women - we just don't fixate on things we can't immediately explain.  Women are very comfortable with posting videos to TikTok and Instagram micro-analysing the vaguest of experiences and feelings, and assigning them unprovable meaning.  If a woman doesn't know why she had a particular experience? That's often a reason to take to social media, or gather a friendship group - to bring it to the group, to find out if other people have had similar experience, and use consensus-seeking to ascribe meaning.  

Men, in contrast, will talk about something we understand (which, unfortunately, means we talk confidently, and, especially in the hellscape of social media, get accused of arrogance, of "believing you know everything about everything, just because you're a man!" of "invalidating the experiences and interpretations of non-men"... no...I just happen to understand this thing. I'm open to you bringing a different understanding - as long as you're able to do that without claiming that, because your understanding or interpretation is different, mine is wrong.)

Rather than the current fixation of "men need to talk about their feelings more", I feel the truth is "women need to talk about things less" - there's already far more content than anyone could ever pay attention to. The majority of online traffic is now bots. The more videos you post, the more likely some overpaid techbro will create an AI alter with your image and voice, without your consent.  The more people know about your inner world, the more comprehensively they can poison every well you might ever want to go to.

You can just say "had a weird experience. Not sure what that was about. Isn't being human a trip?" and move on. You can - and probably should - do your personal processing, around feelings, identity, beliefs - in private.  If you're whining about AI, but you're feeding the machine by refusing to let go of the belief that the only possible way you, personally, can make literally the money I need to pay my bills! is to constantly post videos of every experience or thought you ever have, because "the attention economy, tho! No ethical existence under capitalism!" - you need to prepare for the future you claim to want.

I want a future where people talk about ideas.  A future where people do discuss feelings and experiences, but only when those have the depth of at least the possibility of interpretation.

I want a future where people can cope with their own company. Where they can handle being bored. Where they do not need to shop every second of their lives. Where they are able to say "You know, I have enough clothes/books/knickknack tat."  Where they can conceive of occupying themselves for the whole of their lives without "well, I'll have kids, so I won't have to worry about me for literally years!"

That's why I'm not even interested in doing videos as a "hobby", much less a focused income pursuit - constant talking, AI having more inputs, isn't part of the future I want, so it's not part of the present I create.

Inhabiting a Magician archetype is about wonder - but wonder about things that have enough shape to them to be explored.  Rather than fixate on "why did I wake up in a panic attack at 4am?", I'd rather explore the cognitive dissonance of femme-supremacy that smugly yawps about "women and women's skills are going to be what gets you through the apocalypse, not your bullshit alpha male survivalism, because the people who'll survive the apocalypse will be the people who know how to sew and knit, because there won't just be clothes!" - okay, so, there won't be clothes, but there absolutely will be fabric.  There will be ready-prepared yarn, cotton, etc...  Honestly, if I survive the apocalypse long enough for the clothes I can carry in a lightly packed rucksack to disintegrate, and beyond the point where there are abandoned warehouses to loot? Being naked is probably not going to be a concern I, or others around me, have any more.  Yes, that will trigger my dysphoria, but my brain will be fully occupied with actual, real challenges, which means if it registers the dysphoria at all, it will be in the same way I registered this morning's panic attack - "Huh. Dunno what that was about. Anyway, moving on."

Absolutely, knowing how to replace a button, or make small repairs, is a very good skill. But believing that there won't be clothes, but there will be ready-to-use fabric, yarn, and cotton, is absolutely toxic femininity, just as believing that you'll totally be able to bring down a wildebeest on your own, with just a hand-crafted spear, is toxic masculinity.

I can fish. I can safely forage. I can gut and skin rabbits and deer. I know how to kill and pluck birds like chickens and pheasants, which are relatively easy to catch.  I can cook food which was alive half an hour ago safely.  

I can also re-stitch a hem, sew on a button, and mend small tears in clothes.

The future is neither feminine nor masculine; the future is flexibly competent. The future belongs to those who don't gender core life skills.