In the Beginning Was...

 

In the beginning (of this process, at least), was a man. A man who was ageing out of holding the Warrior archetype, and who was also burnt out by holding that archetype for 26 years. I've held the Warrior archetype since I was 13 years old. In the past 26 years, I've fought for my literal physical safety - against physical assaults, and attempted sexual assaults, from high school peers. Against the violence of my mentally unstable mother. I've fought to become myself - coming to the realisation I wasn't cisgender in the middle of the furore over the (eventually successful) proposal to repeal Section 28, living in a community and a family which were very much in favour of Section 28 - the prohibition on non-heterosexual, non-cis-normative, identities and experiences being presented as equal to cis-heteronormative experiences - remaining firmly in place. Queer people, my community believed, needed to accept that they weren't real people, that they weren't as valuable or relevant as everyone else. Transitioning in the early 2000s, before "trans" was trending, before the UK Equality Act of 2010 (I was right in the middle of my physical transition when the debates around the Equality Act kicked off), and from a position of living with an extremely religious - and violently unstable - mother. I've fought literal madness - I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007, a fact which delayed the acceptance of my referral for gender dysphoria by 15months, out of caution that the psychosis might be causing me to believe I was a man - even though I'd identified with masculinity, and seen myself as male, long before I started experiencing madness; I was 5yrs old when I first consciously realised that "girl" and "female" were things which did not relate to me. I've fought loss of careers to people in emerging economies who could work more cheaply, to technology, and to changes in societal norms. I've lost five businesses. I've seen two careers I was skilled in and passionate about overtaken by technological progress. I hold several skills which are to all intents and purposes obsolete in 2025. I've fought poverty - homelessness, living in a house with major structural repairs the insurance feel aren't their problem, and which I can't afford to make good. Daily struggle. I've fought the impacts of disability. I'm registered blind, and will likely lose the 40% of useful vision that I have left (exclusively in my left eye) within the next 12yrs. I lack the Achilles tendon in my left ankle; this causes hip pain after prolonged exertion, and means I can't jump (which also saw me fail my British Horse Society exams, because I couldn't - and still can't - mount from the ground, without the aid of a mounting block.) I have actual hearing loss, and Auditory Processing Disorder. That's a lot for anyone - and I started carrying the weight of the Warrior while I was still a child. I've lived in a man's role during the time I should have been a boy first playing at the edges of manhood, and then learning fully how to be a man; I should have been able to hold the Lover archetype first; not necessarily as a lover of women, but as a lover of life - playful, relaxed, curious, engaged, appreciative. Unafraid. Unashamed. My time as a Warrior is over now. In the UK, drafting to the Armed Forces, which only happens at times of active war, applies to men under the age of 41 who are physically able bodied and mentally sound. Being insane, disabled, and 39, it is time to lay down the arms that are the rights of men in their prime. The archetype I'm called to embody now is the Magician; but, because I didn't get to ground my male self in the Lover in my late childhood-early adulthood (between the ages of 13-21, when boys should be first playing with manhood, and then learning, with focused commitment, how to be the kind of men the world needs), I have to engage with the Lover as an adult, in an adult way, in order to enter into and hold the Magician archetype. I'm too old to play. There isn't time to fully engage with an exclusive focus on learning. I am a man; learning about how to do that in isolation is no longer an option; I have to throw myself into on-the-job training. Fortunately, a lot of the things I've been through as a Warrior have taught me a lot of the skills of the Lover along the way. The skills of the Lover I still need to learn are: . To rest, and enjoy relaxation (play for adults) without guilt. . To exist in my body without shame. In pursuit of the first, I'll be engaging with things I believe represent the functional Magician: sculpture, psychology, quantum physics, and the auction house. In pursuit of the latter, I'll be beginning "Masculinity Monday Morning", a period of time sitting, fully naked, in reflection, and journalling about that experience. I'll be documenting the journey (without anything NSFW, though!) in this blog, to create a lasting blueprint of the Magicians, Lovers, and Warriors who'll come after me. I spent 26 years as a Warrior. I intend to spend the next 26 as a Magician, taking me to the age of 65. Then, I hope to be ready to step into the King archetype; the average reign of a British monarch, calibrating against the skew of the exceptionally long-lived Victoria and Elizabeth II, is 18yrs. That would take me to 83, which feels like an achievable lifespan. (My family either live to 90+, but go mad, or they remain sane and die in their very early 60s; I'm already mad, so...) To me, being a Magician means: . Transforming narratives of hatred into reasonable, rational boundaried cohesive lifestyles . Keeping secrets and knowledge, but being ready to guide and initiate genuine seekers . Creation of a strong, wholesome, trustworthy masculine archetype And that process, that focus, is what this blog is all about. Real, inclusive, self-governed men welcome.