Masculinity Monday: 1

Like the first time for anything, this morning's first experience of sitting, completely naked, in meditation for 30minutes, felt a little bit awkward - but not as awkward as I was anticipating.

Even turning off the background YouTube documentary that was up on the list of 12hrs of documentaries I prepare before going to sleep (12hrs gets me through a good night, and the period of the morning, when I'm more or less operating on autopilot, getting the basics done, but not yet 'awake' enough to consider deeper or more creative work) wasn't as unsettling as I'd expected; I can't sleep or work in silence usually, but I feel it's important to step outside 'me' and 'I' when I meditate, to spiritually signify "this is about Beyond Me; what I want isn't relevant in this space."

As I progressed into meditation, pains I'd noticed in my ankle, stomach, and upper back began to ease - although the pain in my back turned from a pinched, sharp ache to  a sense of burning.

I interpret this as a sign that I need to stop "going a mile for people who wouldn't cross the street to help me", and that I need to set down the burdens I carry in order to to access the "fire" of the Magician's potential.

What are those burdens?
. Other peoples' expectations - that I provide for them, that they can rely on my financial success for their own comfort, that I keep quiet about any problems I may have, and focus on being the solution to their problems. . My own expectations - that I have to be financially successful, well-known, and well-regarded, that my body has to be an 'ideal', that I have to give a good representation, a good account, of all trans men.
. Having to be a kinship carer - my wife has significant physical disabilities, and is also autistic with ADHD (she doesn't like the term "AuDHD", which is why I separate the two conditions); she is unable to work in any regular capacity, and often struggles with pain and fatigue, so a lot of the domestic work, as well as paid employment, falls to me
.The struggle of relative poverty - I'm just about doing okay, which is a relatively recent change, but it's definitely a tightrope act, and one which could all come crashing down at the end of next year (2026) when my current freelance contract ends. I don't have much of a social circle, I have historically struggled to engage verbally with other people, and grew up being told I wasn't allowed to "bother" other people with my "problems" - which meant I couldn't admit to any struggles I was having, I couldn't ask for help, support, resources, I wasn't allowed to name my needs.

I cannot set down the burden of care; I love my wife, and she has enough difficulty being disabled, without me abandoning her.

But the other three burdens, I can set down. Expectations are nothing more than peer pressure; as long as I keep promises I make to others, and focus my efforts in the pursuit of stability for myself, that is enough.

I may never be rich, but I can commit to learning to be comfortable communicating my needs, comfortable reaching out to people in a position to support me.  I can focus on the process of building a functional network, all of which will mean that "not-rich" doesn't have to mean "poverty."

I also noticed the strangeness of the way my skin felt, my reluctance to touch my own skin; a simple way of addressing this is to start using moisturising cream across my body, as an indulgent experience, with something 'luxe', rather than the basic baby oil I routinely use for necessary skin care.

We all carry burdens, as men. Some of them, we can't set down - but, if we identify those we can stop carrying, the ones we can't become that bit easier to bear.

What are some positive thoughts I had about myself through this meditation?
. I have a body that does not have to fear loss - I am already disabled; there are already ways my body is 'weak' and 'failing'; I am therefore freed from the anxieties other men of my age may have about ageing.

I am not a "prime example of peak masculinity" - which means there is only improvement, never the anxiety of decline which keeps many men chained to treadmills, weight racks, and increasingly complex nutrition regimes. 

. I like looking at my tattoos still; this also offers a way to become used to my skin being touched in non-sexual ways, which may help me feel more comfortable touching my own skin, alongside the more luxurious focus on the use of moisturiser (I went out today and bought some body butter...£3.49 for B&M's knock off Lush...I'll update on how that goes...)

. My body does what a body needs to do; I do a combination t'ai chi, kickboxing, and calisthenics workout every morning, and always have done. My body handles that smoothly. I can easily touch the palms of my hands flat to the floor without effort or pain. My workout doesn't leave me feeling worse than before I started.  I may not look the way Instagram "wellness influencers" and the dudes in Men's Health look, but my body is well. I am healthy.

. My body has the same appearance as many cis male bodies, and as the male figures in Ben Edge's Children of Albion (which happened to be the silently-running focus of the documentary which backgrounded this morning's meditation)  This rebalances a lot of the anxiety that social media, and indeed mainstream media, causes for many men. Most of us don't get paid to spend most of our time in the gym. We don't get sponsorship PR from nutrition companies. We just...live. We maintain our bodies with the right 'tune-ups' (exercise) and 'fuel' (food) for the same reason we commit to routine maintenance, and use the right fuel, for our cars, or our bikes - because we rely on them. We need them to run well.

Some vehicles run on petrol.
Some run on diesel.
Some run on electricity.

Electricity may be "clean", but it is the wrong fuel for a petrol or diesel vehicle.

My body doesn't tolerate a lot of carbs or fibre; I get very severe IBS, and feel exceptionally unwell.  I've learned over time how much fruit and veg I can tolerate, and can relatively easily substitute carbs for protein - but I do need fruit, particularly, despite the issues fibre causes, because it's the form of sugar my body most immediately responds to.

Your body may need different fuel. It may need a different amount of fuel (I can typically function well within the range of 1,800-2,200 calories).

And that's okay.

If you're trans, you may not look the Instagram guys - and that's okay. We don't transition to get a "look" - we transition to secure peace.

 

In the Beginning Was...

 

In the beginning (of this process, at least), was a man. A man who was ageing out of holding the Warrior archetype, and who was also burnt out by holding that archetype for 26 years. I've held the Warrior archetype since I was 13 years old. In the past 26 years, I've fought for my literal physical safety - against physical assaults, and attempted sexual assaults, from high school peers. Against the violence of my mentally unstable mother. I've fought to become myself - coming to the realisation I wasn't cisgender in the middle of the furore over the (eventually successful) proposal to repeal Section 28, living in a community and a family which were very much in favour of Section 28 - the prohibition on non-heterosexual, non-cis-normative, identities and experiences being presented as equal to cis-heteronormative experiences - remaining firmly in place. Queer people, my community believed, needed to accept that they weren't real people, that they weren't as valuable or relevant as everyone else. Transitioning in the early 2000s, before "trans" was trending, before the UK Equality Act of 2010 (I was right in the middle of my physical transition when the debates around the Equality Act kicked off), and from a position of living with an extremely religious - and violently unstable - mother. I've fought literal madness - I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007, a fact which delayed the acceptance of my referral for gender dysphoria by 15months, out of caution that the psychosis might be causing me to believe I was a man - even though I'd identified with masculinity, and seen myself as male, long before I started experiencing madness; I was 5yrs old when I first consciously realised that "girl" and "female" were things which did not relate to me. I've fought loss of careers to people in emerging economies who could work more cheaply, to technology, and to changes in societal norms. I've lost five businesses. I've seen two careers I was skilled in and passionate about overtaken by technological progress. I hold several skills which are to all intents and purposes obsolete in 2025. I've fought poverty - homelessness, living in a house with major structural repairs the insurance feel aren't their problem, and which I can't afford to make good. Daily struggle. I've fought the impacts of disability. I'm registered blind, and will likely lose the 40% of useful vision that I have left (exclusively in my left eye) within the next 12yrs. I lack the Achilles tendon in my left ankle; this causes hip pain after prolonged exertion, and means I can't jump (which also saw me fail my British Horse Society exams, because I couldn't - and still can't - mount from the ground, without the aid of a mounting block.) I have actual hearing loss, and Auditory Processing Disorder. That's a lot for anyone - and I started carrying the weight of the Warrior while I was still a child. I've lived in a man's role during the time I should have been a boy first playing at the edges of manhood, and then learning fully how to be a man; I should have been able to hold the Lover archetype first; not necessarily as a lover of women, but as a lover of life - playful, relaxed, curious, engaged, appreciative. Unafraid. Unashamed. My time as a Warrior is over now. In the UK, drafting to the Armed Forces, which only happens at times of active war, applies to men under the age of 41 who are physically able bodied and mentally sound. Being insane, disabled, and 39, it is time to lay down the arms that are the rights of men in their prime. The archetype I'm called to embody now is the Magician; but, because I didn't get to ground my male self in the Lover in my late childhood-early adulthood (between the ages of 13-21, when boys should be first playing with manhood, and then learning, with focused commitment, how to be the kind of men the world needs), I have to engage with the Lover as an adult, in an adult way, in order to enter into and hold the Magician archetype. I'm too old to play. There isn't time to fully engage with an exclusive focus on learning. I am a man; learning about how to do that in isolation is no longer an option; I have to throw myself into on-the-job training. Fortunately, a lot of the things I've been through as a Warrior have taught me a lot of the skills of the Lover along the way. The skills of the Lover I still need to learn are: . To rest, and enjoy relaxation (play for adults) without guilt. . To exist in my body without shame. In pursuit of the first, I'll be engaging with things I believe represent the functional Magician: sculpture, psychology, quantum physics, and the auction house. In pursuit of the latter, I'll be beginning "Masculinity Monday Morning", a period of time sitting, fully naked, in reflection, and journalling about that experience. I'll be documenting the journey (without anything NSFW, though!) in this blog, to create a lasting blueprint of the Magicians, Lovers, and Warriors who'll come after me. I spent 26 years as a Warrior. I intend to spend the next 26 as a Magician, taking me to the age of 65. Then, I hope to be ready to step into the King archetype; the average reign of a British monarch, calibrating against the skew of the exceptionally long-lived Victoria and Elizabeth II, is 18yrs. That would take me to 83, which feels like an achievable lifespan. (My family either live to 90+, but go mad, or they remain sane and die in their very early 60s; I'm already mad, so...) To me, being a Magician means: . Transforming narratives of hatred into reasonable, rational boundaried cohesive lifestyles . Keeping secrets and knowledge, but being ready to guide and initiate genuine seekers . Creation of a strong, wholesome, trustworthy masculine archetype And that process, that focus, is what this blog is all about. Real, inclusive, self-governed men welcome.