(Image shows two white men sitting across from one another on a double-sided sofa)
If you've spent any time either online, or reading newspaper Op-Ed columns (Opinions and Editorial), and you're a man - not "masc", but resolutely "a man" - you'll be rather exhaustingly aware of this apparently all-consuming "mental load" women carry, and that men literally refuse to share! Something men definitely know women are carrying all by themselves, but are simply too lazy and selfish to take their part of. You'll also be aware of the very firm subtext: men don't have a mental load. Men wouldn't know what a 'mental load' was if it spat in their face. Men are just cruising through life in neutral, playing on easy mode, and are basically teenage boys who get to have an adult paycheque, a car, and the right to drink alcohol.
But there's a distinction between a genuine "mental load" and a task list.
I'm a man. I very definitely carry the mental load for my household. That mental load looks like this;
But there's a distinction between a genuine "mental load" and a task list.
I'm a man. I very definitely carry the mental load for my household. That mental load looks like this;
. How am I supposed to keep earning enough money to provide for both of us when I'll never be able to drive, I can't see well enough to cycle, I can't edit videos, I can't reliably see to work a till or a factory line, I can't navigate safely after dark, which in winter comes by 4pm, I can't easily get to anywhere of any distance for shiftwork, no one will recommend me for anything, and I can't afford to take any more courses and qualifications, even if they ever lead to anything, which they don't.
. I need Morgana (my wife) to die before I do, because, once I'm not here, she's completely screwed for being able to afford to live for more than a week.
. Because I can't rely on her dying before me, I basically have to somehow get at least a million quid built up, so she's got plenty of money even if the life insurance fucks up, which it already has (the life insurer I was with went bust. I currently need to get at least one more long-term freelance contract before I can afford to sign up for life insurance again.)
. How am I supposed to keep on top of things staying clean and hygienic, and not stinking, so we don't get neighbours kicking our door down in a rage, when none of the pet waste, or the incontinence pants I have to wear to deal with IBS, will be accepted in any kind of recycling from next month, and so they're going to be sitting in the black bin for almost a month, because the council are only collecting the general rubbish once every 4 weeks, and I don't have a way to get to the tip, or afford a private collection between times? (we don't have an earth-based outside space, so burying or composting isn't an option.)
. I need Morgana (my wife) to die before I do, because, once I'm not here, she's completely screwed for being able to afford to live for more than a week.
. Because I can't rely on her dying before me, I basically have to somehow get at least a million quid built up, so she's got plenty of money even if the life insurance fucks up, which it already has (the life insurer I was with went bust. I currently need to get at least one more long-term freelance contract before I can afford to sign up for life insurance again.)
. How am I supposed to keep on top of things staying clean and hygienic, and not stinking, so we don't get neighbours kicking our door down in a rage, when none of the pet waste, or the incontinence pants I have to wear to deal with IBS, will be accepted in any kind of recycling from next month, and so they're going to be sitting in the black bin for almost a month, because the council are only collecting the general rubbish once every 4 weeks, and I don't have a way to get to the tip, or afford a private collection between times? (we don't have an earth-based outside space, so burying or composting isn't an option.)
. How am I ever going to get more contracts when no one - not even my so-called friends - ever remember to recommend me for anything, and I can't get to networking events, so I don't have any contacts who know my name?
. I'm probably never going to be able to have a PAYE job again, between the fact that my mental health is going wild again, my sight loss, and the fucking shitshow that Digital ID will be, because of course employers will mandate it, even if the government claims it's "voluntary" (I've already had to resign a Trusteeship and close down my Ltd company since Companies House decided you had to "prove British citizenship" in order to be a Director or own a company, but they provided precisely zero affordable, accessible way to prove that citizenship if you don't have a passport or driving licence.)
. How the fuck am I going to keep Morgana safe with the basically legalised transphobia and "dodgy US company now has access to NHS healthcare data" when she's focused on pursuing treatment for the hernia that was diagnosed last year?
. I'm probably never going to be able to have a PAYE job again, between the fact that my mental health is going wild again, my sight loss, and the fucking shitshow that Digital ID will be, because of course employers will mandate it, even if the government claims it's "voluntary" (I've already had to resign a Trusteeship and close down my Ltd company since Companies House decided you had to "prove British citizenship" in order to be a Director or own a company, but they provided precisely zero affordable, accessible way to prove that citizenship if you don't have a passport or driving licence.)
. How the fuck am I going to keep Morgana safe with the basically legalised transphobia and "dodgy US company now has access to NHS healthcare data" when she's focused on pursuing treatment for the hernia that was diagnosed last year?
. Bearing in mind all of the above, how the hell am I going to know where I'm at with handling any of this, considering I've basically decided it's safer if I don't interact, at all, with any element of the medical community?
That's one hell of a mental load.
And I'm sure there are some women out there carrying similar mental loads.
But a lot more women - and almost all of the ones who scream the loudest about how hard the "mental load" makes their lives - aren't even actually carrying a mental load; they're running a task list. Most of which could be delegated to someone else.
. Did I wash 13yr old's PE kit? - if 13yr old has arms, and can stand upright, they can wash their own PE kit. I was dealing with all my laundry by the time I was 10.
. I should check in with XYZ friends - either do it, or forget about it.
. I need to make hubsie's lunch for work - as per the 13yr old; if hubsie has arms, enough grip strength to safely use a knife, and can stand upright, he can make his own lunch.
. I need to remind AB&C about XYZ appointments - Got a calendar? AB&C are able to read? Cool. They can remind themselves about their appointments. If they forget, or are late? Tough.
. I need to sign kiddo's school trip permission slip - Just. Fucking. DO IT when you first come across the fucking permission slip.
. The house needs a good tidy up - Does it? Are you expecting guests? Do you have other people with arms, legs, and passable eye sight in the house? Cool. They can get on with the "good tidy up."
. Oh, but they can't - weaponised incompetence is real! - Ignore it. Go to a hotel. Go to a friend's. Go to a relatives. Or just hire a campervan and drive somewhere. If you have to do this more than three times? Leave. Can't weaponise something no one's responding to.
I have a task list too - almost everyone does. But I treat it as a task list, the same way I treat a task list for my work: I focus, settle down, and get through as much as I can. Anything I didn't get to and can't delegate (in my work, I don't have anyone to delegate anything to) goes at the top of the next day's list.
My domestic task list looks like:
. Cleaning the bedroom - daily, sometimes twice daily, because of the birds: Vacuum on getting up, and before going to bed.
. Mop the kitchen every Monday. Wipe the counters down every day whilst waiting for the kettle to boil for coffee.
. Pets in cages get cleaned out every Thursday, and on Saturday or Monday if the weather's hot, or they need cleaning before then. Cat litter trays are cleaned every morning while I'm feeding them.
. Dog needs to be walked either when I break for lunch, or, during late Spring-late Summer, when I finish for the day.
. Does Morgana have to be somewhere for a fixed time? Keep checking in on where she's at with her preparation for getting there. (Morgana has ADHD, which includes time blindness; I often have to "sheepdog" her through preparations for getting to somewhere she has to be at a particular time.)
. Does any laundry need doing? Try and get to that Saturday or Sunday, because Morgana doesn't always have the physical energy/strength to manage laundry. (As well as ADHD, Morgana also has cerebral palsy, which results in chronic pain and chronic fatigue.)
. Is there any housework Morgana hasn't been well enough to get to? Find a time to do that.
. When am I going to do grocery shopping this week? (The main grocery shop typically gets ordered online when I get paid, but this is potentially going to change, since Iceland, whilst still charging for bags, aren't providing them, which makes it difficult for Morgana to get the shopping in - I'm usually keeping the dog out of the way upstairs, as I'm calmer handling dogs than Morgana. Fresh fruit and veg, bread, and some other top ups, I pick up weekly.)
. What toiletries/household essentials are we running low on? (Morgana won't reliably notice until I'm already in town, usually, because of the time she's typically able to get up and get on around pain and energy levels, when I'm already heading back. The not-noticing is common for ADHD, which doesn't seem to include the usual "What's my stuff doing?" brain tag that people without ADHD have.)
. Do I have to be onsite anywhere for work? Do I have meetings? Have I reminded Morgana that I'm not at all available to help out at these times?
My task list is relatively short, I suspect. I am very aware Morgana also has her own task list.
My mental load is fucking heavy, especially as I have no option but to carry it alone.
I do not confuse my domestic task list with my mental load.
I do not call what is an entirely manageable task list a "mental load", because it is not that.
That's one hell of a mental load.
And I'm sure there are some women out there carrying similar mental loads.
But a lot more women - and almost all of the ones who scream the loudest about how hard the "mental load" makes their lives - aren't even actually carrying a mental load; they're running a task list. Most of which could be delegated to someone else.
. Did I wash 13yr old's PE kit? - if 13yr old has arms, and can stand upright, they can wash their own PE kit. I was dealing with all my laundry by the time I was 10.
. I should check in with XYZ friends - either do it, or forget about it.
. I need to make hubsie's lunch for work - as per the 13yr old; if hubsie has arms, enough grip strength to safely use a knife, and can stand upright, he can make his own lunch.
. I need to remind AB&C about XYZ appointments - Got a calendar? AB&C are able to read? Cool. They can remind themselves about their appointments. If they forget, or are late? Tough.
. I need to sign kiddo's school trip permission slip - Just. Fucking. DO IT when you first come across the fucking permission slip.
. The house needs a good tidy up - Does it? Are you expecting guests? Do you have other people with arms, legs, and passable eye sight in the house? Cool. They can get on with the "good tidy up."
. Oh, but they can't - weaponised incompetence is real! - Ignore it. Go to a hotel. Go to a friend's. Go to a relatives. Or just hire a campervan and drive somewhere. If you have to do this more than three times? Leave. Can't weaponise something no one's responding to.
I have a task list too - almost everyone does. But I treat it as a task list, the same way I treat a task list for my work: I focus, settle down, and get through as much as I can. Anything I didn't get to and can't delegate (in my work, I don't have anyone to delegate anything to) goes at the top of the next day's list.
My domestic task list looks like:
. Cleaning the bedroom - daily, sometimes twice daily, because of the birds: Vacuum on getting up, and before going to bed.
. Mop the kitchen every Monday. Wipe the counters down every day whilst waiting for the kettle to boil for coffee.
. Pets in cages get cleaned out every Thursday, and on Saturday or Monday if the weather's hot, or they need cleaning before then. Cat litter trays are cleaned every morning while I'm feeding them.
. Dog needs to be walked either when I break for lunch, or, during late Spring-late Summer, when I finish for the day.
. Does Morgana have to be somewhere for a fixed time? Keep checking in on where she's at with her preparation for getting there. (Morgana has ADHD, which includes time blindness; I often have to "sheepdog" her through preparations for getting to somewhere she has to be at a particular time.)
. Does any laundry need doing? Try and get to that Saturday or Sunday, because Morgana doesn't always have the physical energy/strength to manage laundry. (As well as ADHD, Morgana also has cerebral palsy, which results in chronic pain and chronic fatigue.)
. Is there any housework Morgana hasn't been well enough to get to? Find a time to do that.
. When am I going to do grocery shopping this week? (The main grocery shop typically gets ordered online when I get paid, but this is potentially going to change, since Iceland, whilst still charging for bags, aren't providing them, which makes it difficult for Morgana to get the shopping in - I'm usually keeping the dog out of the way upstairs, as I'm calmer handling dogs than Morgana. Fresh fruit and veg, bread, and some other top ups, I pick up weekly.)
. What toiletries/household essentials are we running low on? (Morgana won't reliably notice until I'm already in town, usually, because of the time she's typically able to get up and get on around pain and energy levels, when I'm already heading back. The not-noticing is common for ADHD, which doesn't seem to include the usual "What's my stuff doing?" brain tag that people without ADHD have.)
. Do I have to be onsite anywhere for work? Do I have meetings? Have I reminded Morgana that I'm not at all available to help out at these times?
My task list is relatively short, I suspect. I am very aware Morgana also has her own task list.
My mental load is fucking heavy, especially as I have no option but to carry it alone.
I do not confuse my domestic task list with my mental load.
I do not call what is an entirely manageable task list a "mental load", because it is not that.
My works task list is entirely mine to manage, in addition to my domestic task list - but I've been combining some kind of required attendance and expected effort with the management of a domestic task list since I was eight years old; nearly 32 years later, I'm a fucking pro at being on top of everything. Organisation, and the willingness to just fucking deal with things when they cross your path, puts paid to a lot of angst where managing task lists is concerned. I've never understood people who insist they're neurotypical looking at something which needs signing, or paying, or following up, and just...dropping it somewhere else, and insisting that they'll "get to" it. Why the ever-loving fuck would you not just deal with it there and then?!
Currently, I'm handling all of this - task lists, mental load, mental illness, physical disability, kinship care, systemic uncertainty - on a household income of significantly under £2k a month. I'm trying to get at least one freelance contract, ideally 3-4, but so far, nothing's working on that front, and I'm starting to stress about that, because I'm running out of ideas that are actionable for me, given finances and ability to actually fucking get anywhere or pay for any help. (I've long since accepted I'm not the kind of person people "just help out" - I've tried "just asking people!" - the answer, even for something small, is invariably "No.")
I'm also currently applying for remote PAYE jobs, and something that's circling my mental load is the awareness that political attitudes may mean that remote work stops being something that's remotely accessible. So far, that's not going anywhere - and that's despite my having worked with three different "career coaches". I can only reliably do remote work at the moment; realistically, remote work is the only viable way I can work, given the impact of my disabilities, the impact of being around other people all day on my mental health, and all the domestic stuff I also have to handle, which all takes time.
But I don't get to wail and hand-wring to national newspapers, or scream at everyone of a different gender to myself I come across on social media. I don't get to stamp my feet and denounce my spouse as "lazy and selfish!", to accuse her of "weaponised incompetence", and "deliberately making my life harder!" I don't get to call her a "womanchild", or talk about "womankeeping" (what is it about women and inventing ridiculous nonsense words every time their feelings get hurt?) I don't get to abuse and misuse (and, indeed, actually weaponise) therapy speak.
My mental health is in shreds.
Many men's mental health is torn to pieces.
But we're not allowed to even mention our struggles - because women will immediately rush to howl and scream about how much worse they have it, about how everything should absolutely get even worse for us, just because we're men, some women will start throwing slurs and abuse. We know we'll become jokes, for women and for other men.
Men don't even get to have spaces like barbers shops and men's sheds - women own those now. Women demand inclusion, even as they deny it not just to men, but to women they've decided "aren't woman enough to count." And we...just have to surrender those spaces. To accept that it's "wrong", somehow, to want anything and anywhere for ourselves.
Currently, I'm handling all of this - task lists, mental load, mental illness, physical disability, kinship care, systemic uncertainty - on a household income of significantly under £2k a month. I'm trying to get at least one freelance contract, ideally 3-4, but so far, nothing's working on that front, and I'm starting to stress about that, because I'm running out of ideas that are actionable for me, given finances and ability to actually fucking get anywhere or pay for any help. (I've long since accepted I'm not the kind of person people "just help out" - I've tried "just asking people!" - the answer, even for something small, is invariably "No.")
I'm also currently applying for remote PAYE jobs, and something that's circling my mental load is the awareness that political attitudes may mean that remote work stops being something that's remotely accessible. So far, that's not going anywhere - and that's despite my having worked with three different "career coaches". I can only reliably do remote work at the moment; realistically, remote work is the only viable way I can work, given the impact of my disabilities, the impact of being around other people all day on my mental health, and all the domestic stuff I also have to handle, which all takes time.
But I don't get to wail and hand-wring to national newspapers, or scream at everyone of a different gender to myself I come across on social media. I don't get to stamp my feet and denounce my spouse as "lazy and selfish!", to accuse her of "weaponised incompetence", and "deliberately making my life harder!" I don't get to call her a "womanchild", or talk about "womankeeping" (what is it about women and inventing ridiculous nonsense words every time their feelings get hurt?) I don't get to abuse and misuse (and, indeed, actually weaponise) therapy speak.
My mental health is in shreds.
Many men's mental health is torn to pieces.
But we're not allowed to even mention our struggles - because women will immediately rush to howl and scream about how much worse they have it, about how everything should absolutely get even worse for us, just because we're men, some women will start throwing slurs and abuse. We know we'll become jokes, for women and for other men.
Men don't even get to have spaces like barbers shops and men's sheds - women own those now. Women demand inclusion, even as they deny it not just to men, but to women they've decided "aren't woman enough to count." And we...just have to surrender those spaces. To accept that it's "wrong", somehow, to want anything and anywhere for ourselves.
.jfif)
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